Let’s admit it…I have had my bad days MORE than my good days. Days when I feel down, I feel blue, I feel weepy and burst into tears. I love life so much and live each and every moment, every second of it by living in it, dwelling in it, enjoying it and doing something new. I go to the gym (I dropped out later), I watch movies, I party (minus smoking/drinking), I travel and explore new places, I am an avid cyclist and part of the Indian Cyclist Club. I also attend to spiritual class once a week. Then despite all this, why do I still feel this way? No, I don’t think my depression is due to the side-effects of the drugs. It is more due to being SINGLE and being alone even though I have vast circle of friends. Yes, drugs, too, play a role in depression (emotional, physical as well as mental) and toss your hormonal balance, but I have often found that the moment I talk to the person I love, the cloud of depression lifts and I become happy again.
So my source of depression is emotional. Not because of rejection (I have been rejected many times once I declared my status), not because of being alone (as I have lived alone ever since I turned 18), and obviously not because I am dependent on him. When I dwelled deeper into understanding my depression better, I found that my one-sided love for him was my main cause of my depression, which is not in my control. He was once my boyfriend, now to accept him back as a friend, when I am still in love with him, was totally next to impossible for me, no matter how hard I tried to move on.
Anyways, coming back to the topic of depression, I am aware that most people have faced it too. It can be drug-related, stress-induced, job-related, future concerns, relationship, or society fears. All because it comes down to just one thing: Being HIV POSITIVE. And this depression can only be erased when one feels free and accepted, loved and respected. Much as one doesn’t want to solely blame the virus for being the cause of it, we can’t help but accept the fact that it is solely related due to this. Even though one will try everything like I did: partying, travelling, watching movies, being with friends, the source of depression won’t go unless one is free from its source. Like, for example, my source is being wanted and accepted back. How many of you must have fought for it inside/outside? The emotional trauma? Fighting with your will-power? Trying your best to think positive and live positively?
Also, for me, living under anti-depressant medicine was not the answer, as I didn’t want to add more medicines into my system. It is hard enough for our bodies to fight off the virus and the side effects from the HIV drugs, but now we have to fight off depression, too!
I pray that our future generation not live this way, the way we live. That’s why we are paving our way, speaking out, helping others understand so that we make life easier for future generations to help understand what goes inside us better. And I pray that there is a cure soon. It may be late for us but better late than never!
Till then, let us keep on with the fight and will to live.
Until there is a Cure.