Life isnt FAIR but it's still GOOD

There were many a times when I often use to sigh and say “Why Me of all people”. What did I do to deserve it? Why should I have to undergo suffering at the cost of others? Worse, why do I have to “suffer” when all I did was good/benefit/happiness or cause for others? Fate has played a very cruel twist in my life, not once, not twice but many a times. At 3, I was differently abled (hearing handicapped) due to vehicular accident. Around the same time, my parent’s marriage was on a rocky patch and within a year they were divorced. While in school I was teased and taunted due to my speech. Thou I was good in studies and fetched better marks, I had very few friends due to my hearing issues. Nobody liked to be with me. I was like an ugly duckling, with thick rimmed glass, a wired hearing aid in both my ears with an instrument in my shirt left pocket, ugly ruff of thick dry hair which the back benchers in class take pleasures in throwing tiny paper balls at it. If it stuck and remained on the target, they win one mark. By the end of the period, I would find lot of paperballs behind my hair which would often make me cry silently on my seat.

No one would come to comfort me. At home too, living with a stepmother was equally not good. I would prefer to be out of the house most of the time. Though I hated school, I love going as it was the only solace to be away from home devoid of love and “want” of freedom. At home I would be mostly “locked” in my room , given stale food and at times with insects in them. Though I came from the wealthy, influential background and had servants at home, it was my stepmother who ruled. I had seen servants leave their job either because they were fired or because they couldn’t stand the tempers of my alcoholic stepmother. Dad was helpless in this case. Either he was too busy to notice the going-ons at the house and how much I was enduring the suffering OR my stepmother shielded all this away from his sight. I have often protested how much I lived under fear of my stepmother and how badly I wanted to stay in a hostel which would often fall in deaf ears. But he could not do anything. My wild guess was that he did not want to lose his second wife. He didn’t want his second marriage to collapse again. So to hold on to her, he would often ignore me. But then he was a caring loving father. He gave me whatever I wanted in terms of things. He sent me to best schools and even hired a tutor for me to teach. But what I lacked was “love”. Love from my mom, love from my stepmom, love from my stepsiblings, love from my friends during my childhood days. I often would look forward to summer/winter vacation to come so that dad would take me to paternal home where I would have a whale of time being with my grandparents who showered all their love, care and affection on me. My grandmother would be surprised at my huge appetite. I use to gorge down on food and would overeat and leave not even a morsel of whatever has been cooked. I would do that coz I knew once the holiday ends, I would be back at the four walls of my room which is more like a prison to me with just old stale cornflakes (with tiny insects swarming in the milk) for breakfast--and for dinner, it was milk and bread. Lunch was a luxury where I would get to eat good food prepared by servants but would be given in a less quantity to me. I was too scared to ask my stepmom for more. On Sundays, when dad was at home, depending on the mood, he would cook up my favourite dishes, put the plate in my room and then leave. I never had a “family” time. I never had an experience of eating together like a family. And since the whole day I would be locked up in my room, I never had a freedom to roam around my house either.

I had a love marriage which too failed in the matter of 4 years. (Please refer to “Living with HIV” , the first post, for more). I fell in love 3 years after my divorce to a guy who made me feel so happy once again. He was my world, my everything. He made me feel beautiful, inside out. He made me feel complete. He made me dream. He gave me strength. He gave me the colours to add in my life. But my only mistake was to hide my status from him, which cost us the relationship. If I had told him earlier, I wouldn’t have been in love with him and we would have been just friends and hence I would have saved myself from rejection and hurt. I would have saved myself from pains and sufferings. I would have saved myself from the agonies that comes with being HIV+, where all negative things start controlling ur mind. In our two months of being in love, a circumstance made me disclose my status to him. He was aghast. He felt betrayed. He felt cheated. Then for the next 3 months he disappeared from my life only to reappear again, not as by boyfriend anymore but as a friend. As a good friend. And he did all that he could to prove his friendship. He took care of my medicines as I was not financially capable to do so. He took me to the best doctors. He made sure that I never go a day without a medicine. I lost a beautiful love that we shared, a love with a bright promising future of being together. But again I retained his friendship in form of compassion and generousity. This has been the most painful moment for me. Having a person you love but in a different form now, knowing that he will never be yours, knowing that he would eventually marry someone else where I had dreamt to be, well, if that is not a painful situation to face then what is?

I wish life had been easier. But then, if it had been easier, maybe then I would never have learnt to be stronger in my pains. My every hellish moment of my life was moulding my character, my personality and above all, my heart. Thru all these journeys of my life, I have realised many things (although copied, it makes a strong INSPIRATION) :

1) I have realised that LONELIER u feel, the lonelier the world makes you FEEL.

2) I have realised that words had HURT me more than the I have SUFFERED in life.

3) I have realised that BROADER the smile, DEEPER may be the wounds inside.

4) I have realised that no matter how many times I pray, I only get what I RIGHTFULLY DESERVE.

5) I have realised that when I am ECSTATIC about something, there are never enough PEOPLE to to SHARE it with.

6) I have realised that a FACE is not as important as it is made to be believed. HEART is.

7) I have realised that it is not always a COWARD who gives up a fight. Sometimes SMART people too.

8) I have realised that you can't JUDGE others unless you wear their SHOEs.

9) I have realised that one person’s MISERY is another person’s MERRIMENT.

10) I have realised that every REALTIONSHIP has an EXPIRY DATE.

11) I have realised that TEARS convey more that what WORDS can ever say

12) I have realised that SMILING ALL THE TIME can really hurt.

Thus life has taught me so many things. It had made me, moulded me, helped me. There are still lots to learn. But the better part???? I still believe that despite all this, despite the truamas, the sorrows, the grief, the pains, the sufferings, the hurt, the misery, the agony…..the BEST is yet to come!

Tags: 

like0

Comments

joyaloyo's picture

@mumbaiyyagal. My dear i feel you. The father of my son worked for an HIV Vaccine trial clinic in my country but he still acted the way he did. Because one can imagine that with all the information they have, they would act different. what i know is they try to use the virus(FEAR) to make their decisions and not even the information they know. like u said we live with this and with a supportive partner we can date HIV negative men and keep them safe. its my prayer that in future policy is made in regards to the information that is put out for people to read and it should aim at more of core existence between the positives and negatives and not make us feel like we are moving corpses. we all lead productive lives and more should be done to enlighten people about this most especially in places where the perception is still poor. Just remember your beautiful and you deserve the best man!!!

like0

mumbaiyyagal's picture

@joyaloyoy : Probably what u may say is true but in my mind it may be that he is IGNORANT???? Maybe the "fears" are getting into him and thus he is going far away from me? I did try to educate him with the best of my possibilities, but still, he believe more in the doctors and google than in me, who had lived with it. Worse still, he has been fed with a wrong information.....like for example saliva can transmit HIV. That too from a "well qualified doctor holding lot of degrees" that my ex so claim. I was shocked but knowing India's mentality, I cannot say anything in my defense as it is still backward. Lot of effort has to be put to make people understand regarding HIV/AIDS

like0

mumbaiyyagal's picture

Awwwww Abena, thank u sooooooo much. There must be someone, somehwhere but the problem is "where"????!!!! :p

like0

abena's picture

i hope and believe that one day and very soon you will get someone who will love you for you

like0

joyaloyo's picture

My dear, as much as the pain of losing a supposed "love" is sometimes excruciating. i will tell you from my experience that he was not yours. His love was conditional and one day not so far away you will meet your real love who will appreciate you and love you unconditionally and even your status will not stand in the way of your love. Be strong and keep smiling!!!!!!!!! Joy.

like0

joyaloyo's picture

My dear, it takes courage after what you have gone through to still believe despite our circumstances that life is still good. I have had deep hurts like you but that wont stop me from appreciating the beauty of things around me. As for the supposed love, just know he wasn't yours because he loved you conditionally. i know you will meet someone that will love you unconditionally and not even your status will stand in the way of your love. keep smiling!!! Joy.

like0

mumbaiyyagal's picture

@ mak mohan : Cheerz to that!!!!!!

like0

mumbaiyyagal's picture

@Dona : No I havent confronted my parents. And I havent lived with them since 1994. I did speak to my real mom but it was of no use. Time and distance has already created a huge separation between us and there was no mother-daughter relationship. She is more like a stranger to me now.

like0

mak mohan's picture

yes BEST is yet to come! and your best time will be yours forever...

like0

Dona's picture

Life is a crazy thing…damn girl… have you ever confronted your parents and step-parents?

like0

eamazil's picture

I love your post. I feel so down today as well. I want to write it down, but my emotion is not that quiet stable that my mind is affected in finding the right words. Thanks. We have to be happy. God bless you.

like0

Blog themes: 

Do you get our newsletter?

admin's picture

Sign up for our monthly Newsletter and get the latest info in you in box.

seventh name

Learn why healthy bones are important, what puts you at risk for bone loss, and things you can do to prevent or treat bone loss.

Learn about the groundbreaking GRACE study of HIV+ women and how it successfully enrolled large numbers of women of color in a clinical trial.

Learn what vitamins and minerals are, and get some suggestions about what supplements HIV+ women may want to take and which ones to avoid.

Browse Blogs by Theme