Secrets Keep Us Sick

Hello again to all of my sisters here. I want to share a little something about my life. I'm going through a healing process within myself and learned that being open about my issues are a part of that healing process. I also learned that secrets keep us sick… I’ve been mentally sick for a very long time because I chose to keep/hide my secrets. No more!! I'm choosing now to own them.

Where do I start? First off, I was raised in a foster home and this is where the abuse began. I was molested from the age of 3-14 by four different men. I've lost two children and I've been raped. All of these things I chose to repress rather than deal with them by seeking help. The sad part of all of this is I never thought I needed help. I thought the unusual thoughts and feelings I had were normal. Finally, at 17, I ran away from my foster home and continued that cycle of abuse all by myself with no help from anyone else. I became very promiscuous because in my mind, I was searching for love but really had no earthly idea what love was. I didn't even have self love so what on earth made me think anyone else could love me?? Crazy right??

I became a woman that vowed to never let anyone else in my heart. I became a master of not entertaining emotions. This was how it had to be. I was tired of being hurt, I was tired of having meaningless sex with God knows who so that was it. It was me against the world. I lived my life this way for many years until one night I listened to what God was speaking to my heart. Slowly but surely I convinced myself to reach out for mental help. I had came to the realization that there was nothing shameful about having mental health illness, but what is shameful is knowing there is a problem and choosing to do nothing about it. I also decided to finally open that closet door that I had been so afraid of and hiding from for so long and look all of my past demons in their eyes, make peace with each and every last one of them and kicked every bone out of that closet.. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but it was necessary in order for me to begin to heal.

Am I there yet? Heck no!! But I'm better and I'm certainly far from where I used to be!! Thank you all for listening. As you see, I need you all in my life to help me stay uplifted just as much as you all need me!!! I love you all. Stay blessed!!

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the self loathing on the inside is disappearing.

Angel S.'s picture

Thank you for sharing your story. I am very similar to you. I was unable to heal from the addiction I was using in order to get past the hurts and trauma. I smile and laugh and joke about everything except that was my front. Inside I was dying everyday for the fear of letting anyone in. I have people who know and love me , not knowing I am HIV + ; I felt like a fake and a fraud.

I relapsed 3 years ago  I not was able to say I have HIV ! I AM NOT HIV! I told myself it wasn't necessary to address out loud. I was so wrong! I had to experience a total melt down ;including 3 stays in Crisis center in a four week period. I have dropped that rock . Living does get easier. I just had to trust the community of support I have, to be comfort and love for myself until I could start to do it on my own. I was and am the first to step in and help another human living HIV positive. I did this last ten years claiming to be a volunteer not a client.

Shedding all the baggage of the pain I hide; the self loathing on the inside is disappearing.

Today I love me for the strength I found upon letting go of the prelabeled girl people see. I am labled "God's child" and Yes HIV is a part of me its not my label or my excuse to not do my in part  to END this Stigma ,shame,and loss of self. We are worthy of love ,to love ,and to be Love.  I am happy to hear stories of cutting through the barriers as I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS <3

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Angel S.'s picture

Angel S. liked the aglm_blog One out of a Thousand

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