Sex And HIV

Patiba's picture

You see that I am not writing often. But I know that when I do, it is because I feel the need to share something I think is important. To live with HIV is to live differently. Although many believe that one can lead a "normal" life being in treatment.

The truth is that we are exposed to so many things. And the worst is that this is not spoken. It seems that the biggest taboo of having HIV is sex. In my short career as an activist I have seen the sexual needs of those living with HIV. I see daily how these people are almost desperately seeking someone to become a couple. And they look for people who are living with the virus, without even caring what part of the planet they are from. Understandably, they are tired of searching and being rejected. You're corresponding and the first thing they ask is your marital status. In closed groups of social networks they're filled with posts, looking for a partner or someone to meet in the same condition.

It has hit so hard, the lack of sex and the rejection, that they end up opting for contracting services to sex workers or definitely not to saying that they are living with the virus unless they see that it is a serious relationship.

Morally society tells us we must say that we are living with the virus if we are going to have sex, even casual. How easy it is to say that when it's not your turn!! If we were not so rejected I'm sure we would say it without drawbacks. It is amazing how they reject you. And that is my lived experience. Men who invited me out but once I told them my condition, they wouldn't even write me.

You go out to have fun, to get out of your head. You meet someone and think of having sex. You brake, you say it is important they know. You tell them, as best you can, as it comes out. They leave ... Once again you're left with the desire. Ahhh but beware if you don't tell them and start having sex often and spend time together and when you see that it might be more than casual sex, you decide to tell… They leave, because you didn't tell them earlier.

And they reject you one time, two, three .... Until it's decided not talk about it anymore ...

They have no idea how hard rejection is. Not having sex because you live with a virus. Self-esteem is buried. The sadness that comes over you. The nights are long, very long. And make us afraid to try again.

And there we go through life, in the dilemma of not knowing whether to say it or not say it ... while everyone's judging the situation, we continue to go without having sex because now the fear is in us.

To read this blog in Spanish, click here / Para leer este blog en español, presione aquí

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My Exact Sentiments

NikaLuv32's picture

Good Morning Patiba, (from the east coast)

I was just having this conversation the other day with my best friend. How does one get over this feeling and obstacle of disclosing? But the fear and the fear of rejection you write of is very true!! I have experienced this since my diagnosis in 2005. I thought I was over this feeling unitl most recently. I met a guy and I know there is a physical connection a well as an mental connection. But my question and my statement is, what if I do disclose early just for those reason? I have been told that I disclose out of fear of being rejected. Even though there may be a chance of rejection. . Which I would rather experience in the beginning than later once feelings have developed. I Know that sounds silly ( I personally would not want any rejection. But I can see how these insatnces can create a situation for those living with HIV that just want to have a " normal sex life" We have the same desires as those who are HIV negative.. The many multifacted levels of living with HIV and trying to have a "normal sex life" are not the same as someone HIV negative. There are so many things one has to think about more importantly Protecting themselves Legally and medically. I think.... I have living with HIV since 2005 and I am an elite controller.. Thank you for your words and thoughts. It was need to confirm my thoughts and feelings about this matter :) I know I was not alone in this feeling, but it sure did feel like it.. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU

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The Same Problem

Angel5's picture

My son is HIV pos but undetectable. He suffers with the same problem as you. He told me he has given up on the idea of a wife and family at 32yrs old.  I cannot accept that. I want to be a grandma of his kids. He is way too young to give up on that dream. He is a good looking guy who works out and before all this had no problem with dates. So, he throws himself into his work to fill in the time. That is not living to me. He said dating sites are scams. Do you have any advice for what to tell him ladies? Any help would be appreciated. Btw, he is straight.

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Thanks For Sharing

MandyMN's picture

Hi there Patiba, 

Strength to you my sister in the struggle. I have the exact same problem where before my diagnosis I was having sex regularly (only with my boyfriend) but since I found out I am HIV positive, I don't even allow myself to think of sex. Although it's only been 8 months since I found out, I have talked myself out of sex- of thinking it, of wanting it and of deserving it. I am too scared of rejection and I also do not want to be responsible for passing the virus on to anyone so I stay in my head and lose myself to my mind. 

However, as I was reading your story, I was at work and I started crying because you voiced out so eloquently my fears and you have been putting yourself out there. I can't tell you what the future holds, but I know and believe that everything happens for a reason.

I have been celibate for 6 months, by choice, and it has bought me closer to God. I am praying for you and proud of you! Please pray for me too

 

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