Domestic violence can happen to anyone. For many women, this abuse will start in her childhood. As a woman with HIV, you may be more at risk than most. As many as three out of every ten women with HIV have been abused during their childhood years.

It is important to learn about how abuse happens, how to identify it, and how to end it or get away from it.

Domestic violence occurs when a person you are dating, living with, or married to physically, sexually, or emotionally injures you. The partner will often do this to establish and keep control. The abuse can involve:

• Mild physical harm– like pulling hair or twisting flesh
• Verbal abuse (using words to make someone feel bad), threats or constant blame
• Violent actions that leave marks – like hitting, slapping, or beating
• Extreme violence using knives or guns
• Rape or sexual assault (being forced into sexual acts without your consent)

Domestic violence often begins with threats or emotional abuse. While these harmful words or actions may or may not lead to actual physical harm, they can still be very upsetting, scary, and leave long-term emotional scars.

While most domestic violence involves men assaulting women, it can also involve men assaulting their male partners, or women assaulting their male or female partners. Studies have shown that domestic violence can happen as often among gay, lesbian, and transgendered couples as it does in heterosexual couples.

Women may suffer from many power struggles within their relationship. For example, women who are abused may not be comfortable asking their partner to use protection. Their partner may also be the one who pays the bills and provides her with a home. This can make a woman feel afraid, less independent, and in less control. All of these can both put her at a higher risk for HIV, and make living with HIV more difficult.

Many women with HIV have a history of being physically or sexually assaulted before they found out about their HIV status. Several studies have shown that women with a history of physical and/or sexual abuse are more likely to contract HIV, especially if that abuse first started during childhood years. Childhood abuse is closely linked with later drug use, being with a male partner who is at a higher risk of HIV infection, and exchanging sex for drugs, money or shelter; all of these factors place a woman who has been abused at a higher risk for getting HIV.

Some women become infected with HIV as a direct result of rape or sexual abuse. If a woman uses drugs, alcohol, or sex to escape the pain of prior abuse, she may be at increased risk of getting infected due to shared needles, unprotected sex, or impaired judgment.

A study revealed that over one in four women with HIV had been physically harmed since their HIV diagnosis. Many HIV+ women who are abused feel that the abuse is a direct result of their HIV status.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to know if you, or someone you know, have been abused, because victims might confuse their partner’s actions with a form of love or caring.

This list of questions might help you or someone you know identify a partner’s abusive actions:

• Do you ever feel unsafe at home?
• Have you ever felt threatened by your partner or ex-partner?
• Are you in a relationship where you have been physically hurt?
• Has a partner or ex-partner ever:
  • Pushed, grabbed, slapped, choked, or kicked you?
  • Forced you to have sex or made you do sexual things you didn’t want to do?
  • Threatened to hurt you, your children, or someone close to you?
  • Stalked, followed, or monitored you?

While there may not be any one profile or way to identify someone who is an abuser, you may notice your partner acting in one or more of these ways. He/she may:

• Be overly jealous
• Have big mood swings
• Have an explosive temper
• Have low self-esteem
• Blame you for their own problems
• Use words to make you feel bad about yourself
• Try to control you
• Try to keep you from your family or friends

Sadly, many women with HIV are sexually or physically assaulted soon after they disclose their HIV status. Try to decrease this risk with the following:

• Disclose in a semi-public place like a public park with many people around. It's private enough to have a conversation, public enough to get help if you need it.
• Consider disclosing with a third person present, like a friend or a health care provider.
• Meet in public with that person until you feel safe.
• Avoid exposing others to HIV without warning them ahead of time. The risk of violence may be greater if a person feels you knowingly put them at risk or lied to them.

There are no guarantees in this world, but you can help lower your risk for domestic violence:

• Do your homework. To find out information on the person you are dating (such as if he or she has a criminal record), consider doing a background check. There are a number of companies that provide this service for a fee. For a more information, go to: http://publicrecordssearchonline.org/
• Keep in touch with your support people. Whether it's family, friends, a support group, peer advocate/counselor, or health care provider, don't let your relationship get in the way.
• Get help and support. If you have been physically or sexually abused in the past, it is important to get help from a mental health professional or a support group. Otherwise, the past can repeat itself.
• Avoid entering an abusive relationship. Be aware of the warning signs of abuse (described above), and starting relationships when you see warning signs. If you see warning signs, the best time to leave an abuser is the first time it happens.
• Stay informed. Learn all you can about domestic violence, even if you think you will never need to know about it.

It is never easy to leave a relationship, even one that involves domestic violence. The key is to have a safety plan.

• Stay safe. Leaving your partner can be upsetting to your partner. Make your safety (and that of your children) your top priority.
• Be prepared. If you leave, don't forget your HIV drugs and any other medications you take, medical records, birth certificate, credit cards, checkbook, etc. Assume that anything you leave may end up in the dumpster. It may help to leave an emergency kit with some of these items with a trusted friend, family member, or service provider. If you don’t want to give the name of the person you’re afraid of, you can put it in a sealed envelope and ask them to open it only if you disappear or turn up too injured to identify the person who hurt you.
• Document. Get medical attention if needed and get photos of any injuries that show. Have photos signed and dated by medical or law enforcement personnel if possible. A friend or family member can also sign and date for future evidence.
• Get help. Don't try to do this alone. Go to friends, the police, family, an emergency room, or a local shelter. Call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

If you become a victim of domestic violence, always remember – it is not your fault. It can happen to anyone. Anyone who physically attacks another person is responsible for his or her actions. The most important thing is to get safe and stay safe.