When thinking about talking to your children about your HIV status or your children’s status, you might feel overwhelmed by different emotions. It is normal to feel frightened, anxious, or guilty. It may help to discuss your feelings and how and what you will say with someone you trust, such as a doctor, counselor, family member, or friend. You may also want to share your disclosure plans with those who know your HIV status, so they’ll be prepared to give accurate, reassuring, calm responses if the children bring it up with them.

Take some comfort in what you know: how your children learn new information, what your children may already know about HIV, and what feels most supportive to your family. Use this knowledge to decide how to disclose about HIV to your family. While there may not be an exact best way to disclose, there are some steps you can take to prepare.

Before talking, think about why you want your child to know. Perhaps your child has been in the hospital, taking medications, or asking questions. Whatever your reason, make sure that you are okay with your child knowing. If it is not okay with you, it may not be okay with your child.

Have some HIV-related information ready before you get started. (Look for materials that have an optimistic tone.) Children might want to know if they are going to die, how they got infected, or if they will become sick. Know how you will answer these questions. Also, consider your own feelings about these concerns. You may choose to wait to have the conversation until you get some emotional support. 

Children will need different types and amounts of information depending on their age. Begin with some simple ideas that you think are most important. Very small children may be too young to be told the name of the disease or many details, but try to be as honest as possible. Disclosure can occur little by little in age-appropriate ways as the children get older.

Young children need information mostly about things that affect them right now. School-aged kids may need some basic information about what to do if they bleed. (All children should be taught that it’s not a good idea to touch anyone’s blood.) Teenagers will require more information about prevention and transmission. All children should know they cannot infect friends or family through casual contact.

It may take a long time for children to absorb the information. Let your children know that they can always speak freely to you. You want your children to see you as a trustworthy adult so they will feel comfortable coming to you with more questions in the future.

Your children may feel isolated, angry, scared, or depressed by their HIV status. It may help if there is someone else they can talk to. Arrange a support network consisting of heath care providers and trusted family and friends.

While laws protect HIV+ people from discrimination, you may not want your children to let everyone know their HIV status. You can tell your children that HIV is a private family matter and that you will decide as a family who to tell and how they should be told.

Telling your children that you are HIV+ is also extremely difficult. Prepare yourself by thinking about how your children will react and what they will want to know based on their age and maturity.

Your children will probably ask about your health. However, their main concern may be what will happen to them if you were to get sick. They will need reassurance that they will be taken care of if something happens to you. Children might also want to know how you got HIV and if they might get it too. Depending upon their ages, they will have different questions. They also might not have any questions at all. 

Your children might already suspect something. Older children or teenagers might learn about HIV in school. They might see you taking medications or going to the doctor more often than some of their friends’ moms. If your children already suspect something, they may feel angry that you have kept this from them. On the other hand, they will probably benefit from being able to talk about HIV openly. If your children have already learned something about HIV at school or through the media, you can use that as a chance to build on what they already know.

Let your children know who they can talk to about your status. Tell them who else you have already told. (Be prepared that they might feel disappointed if a lot of people knew before they did.) Your local AIDS service organization may have a kids group where they can talk with others in similar situations. Your health care provider may also have a counselor who can talk with your children.

While it can be extremely difficult to disclose HIV information to children, it is better to tell your children as early as you can, especially once they start asking questions. It is usually easier to tell the truth than try and cover up the diagnosis. Once children know, the family can start discussing things openly and dealing with the feelings that come up. Following the tips listed below may make disclosure easier for you and your children:

• Deal with your own feelings first. Gain control over your own emotions and learn to live with the diagnosis.
• Build a strong parent-child relationship.
• Seek out support for yourself both before and after disclosure from friends, social workers, counselors, and others.
• Prepare by gathering HIV-related information, creating an appropriate environment, and arranging supports for your children.
• Find a time to disclose that is free from interruptions and appointments.
• Try to be as relaxed as possible before the conversation begins. Your children might notice if you are feeling anxious, sad, or angry.
• Disclosure is a process. Even if your children do not react the way you hoped right away, with time, support, and information, they may be more accepting.
• Encourage your children to ask questions as they come up.
• Give reassurance and hugs!

1		Damson, L. (1997). Should you tell your children you are HIV-positive? Body Positive: Retrieved April 2005 from http://www.thebody.com/bp/oct97/tell.html.
2		Sheckter, L. (2002). How do you tell your kids? Living +: Retrieved April 2005 from http://www.bcpwa.org/articles/issue_17_8-10_tell_your_kids.pdf.