05.10.2016: The day I...

05.10.2016: The day I drugged myself to sleep
Last night was my 6th day into my treatment and I must say, so far so good. I tried to outsmart my medication last night and took it a few minutes before jumping into bed. I’m not really sure what I was hoping would happen but I missed being drowsy last night, and woke up feeling very drowsy and tipsy and in a horrible mood this morning. I’m so sorry to my family who were the first in my path of destruction, I didn’t mean anything I said, it’s these pills, they make me annoyed sometimes, and tipsy this morning. I am so sorry. So, I did tell at least one person, Harry, in case I die or collapse or I don’t know, something happens to me, so that at least one person can account for the cause of my collapse. I couldn’t find my green comb, which means my hair is not combed – not that it needs to be combed, I’m just a control freak (but you already knew that by now) - and I couldn’t decide what to wear. I feel ugly and nausea and I really wish that I had a pill buddy, you know, someone in my exact situation (started taking the pills, haven’t told their family, control freak) so I could just vent and vent and vent. I think I might explode if I keep this up. Anyway, the only reason I am on this medication is because I want to control how and when I tell my family, I don’t want them to find me sick, bedridden and almost dying and have the doctor tell them on my behalf. I know that if I look after myself and take my medication and stay on course I am fully in control of the process. Why do I care so much about control? I didn’t realize how much of a control freak I am until I lost control over my life to this; I guess everything really does happen for a reason. Maybe this is to teach me to be less of a control freak, seeing as control is just an illusion- I mean the only thing I can control is my mind and my thoughts and my perfume.
Try as I might, I just can’t seem to get depressed or sad about my life right now- despite the shitty position I am in. I own it. I own my life, my decisions and their consequences, I own me and my thought and my feelings. I am the owner now. And it’s weird; I was stuck in victim mentality for so long that I’ve had to relearn myself and what I am about, what I want to be about, where I want , what I want who I want. 2016 has been the year of learning and getting to know myself personally intimately intensely and deeply. I’m not perfect, I had to realize and accept that, but I am crazy in love with me. To my friends I represent order, control, being in charge and to my family I seem to represent courage and extrovert-ness and positivity. It’s weird looking at me through their eyes, like, it really does give one a lot more to be grateful for and to be mindful of. I had no idea just how important I am in my family- both my maternal and paternal. I am grateful. I have a responsibility and I am up to the task.
I mean even this piece was supposed to be a rant about how much I am in a bad horrible mood, but like the whole mood of my piece is positive and hopeful. Lord, I had no idea so much positivity and health and light could come out of me. Thank you; thank you universe, thank you God, thank you Lord Jesus. Who knew- clearly not me, lol..
Today is day 7 into my treatment, the first complete week of the rest of my life and I must say I am still in control, still breathing, still rocking!
There is so much to me that I did not know, that I wouldn’t have known had it not been for the bad decisions of 2015. To my husband, I love you so dearly and you must know that you have been worth all these bad decisions and their consequences. I can’t wait to meet you. I love you dearly <3


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