05.10.2016: The day I...

05.10.2016: The day I drugged myself to sleep
Last night was my 6th day into my treatment and I must say, so far so good. I tried to outsmart my medication last night and took it a few minutes before jumping into bed. I’m not really sure what I was hoping would happen but I missed being drowsy last night, and woke up feeling very drowsy and tipsy and in a horrible mood this morning. I’m so sorry to my family who were the first in my path of destruction, I didn’t mean anything I said, it’s these pills, they make me annoyed sometimes, and tipsy this morning. I am so sorry. So, I did tell at least one person, Harry, in case I die or collapse or I don’t know, something happens to me, so that at least one person can account for the cause of my collapse. I couldn’t find my green comb, which means my hair is not combed – not that it needs to be combed, I’m just a control freak (but you already knew that by now) - and I couldn’t decide what to wear. I feel ugly and nausea and I really wish that I had a pill buddy, you know, someone in my exact situation (started taking the pills, haven’t told their family, control freak) so I could just vent and vent and vent. I think I might explode if I keep this up. Anyway, the only reason I am on this medication is because I want to control how and when I tell my family, I don’t want them to find me sick, bedridden and almost dying and have the doctor tell them on my behalf. I know that if I look after myself and take my medication and stay on course I am fully in control of the process. Why do I care so much about control? I didn’t realize how much of a control freak I am until I lost control over my life to this; I guess everything really does happen for a reason. Maybe this is to teach me to be less of a control freak, seeing as control is just an illusion- I mean the only thing I can control is my mind and my thoughts and my perfume.
Try as I might, I just can’t seem to get depressed or sad about my life right now- despite the shitty position I am in. I own it. I own my life, my decisions and their consequences, I own me and my thought and my feelings. I am the owner now. And it’s weird; I was stuck in victim mentality for so long that I’ve had to relearn myself and what I am about, what I want to be about, where I want , what I want who I want. 2016 has been the year of learning and getting to know myself personally intimately intensely and deeply. I’m not perfect, I had to realize and accept that, but I am crazy in love with me. To my friends I represent order, control, being in charge and to my family I seem to represent courage and extrovert-ness and positivity. It’s weird looking at me through their eyes, like, it really does give one a lot more to be grateful for and to be mindful of. I had no idea just how important I am in my family- both my maternal and paternal. I am grateful. I have a responsibility and I am up to the task.
I mean even this piece was supposed to be a rant about how much I am in a bad horrible mood, but like the whole mood of my piece is positive and hopeful. Lord, I had no idea so much positivity and health and light could come out of me. Thank you; thank you universe, thank you God, thank you Lord Jesus. Who knew- clearly not me, lol..
Today is day 7 into my treatment, the first complete week of the rest of my life and I must say I am still in control, still breathing, still rocking!
There is so much to me that I did not know, that I wouldn’t have known had it not been for the bad decisions of 2015. To my husband, I love you so dearly and you must know that you have been worth all these bad decisions and their consequences. I can’t wait to meet you. I love you dearly <3




katie06's picture

I just want to say welcome to our community. With your meds, you're going to find that you can love a completely normal life! I've been married, divorced, had a child, have an amazing career and volunteer extensively! You've got this....just like you have control over other aspects of your life, you will have control over this! Hugs ❤️


Thank You

MandyMN's picture

Hi Katie06

Thank you so much for your warm welcome and words of encouragement, I have come a long way since that day. Thank you! :)

I am now about to complete 4 months of treatment, and I chose to start my treatment while still healthy because I want to be intentional about being undetectable and being a healthy person living with HIV. I have been so terrified of missing to take my pill, that I have set 3 alarms on different machines to remind me (it's really funny, now that I think of it). But just last week my friend, who knows my status, came and got me and we went out and I had a looot of fun. I didn't think that I could still enjoy being social and in public with friends, but last week reminded me that hey, life goes on and I'm good.

I have been searching for support groups in Durban, South Africa but have not found any. So, I want to start one because my city is one of the highest infected city (because of cultural influences). Any pointers? I saw that you have spoken at a few engagements and are part of a group, I would really appreciate any suggestions.

Thanks so much again <3 




boseolotu's picture

Hi Mandy,
Welcome and thank you for this experience sharing which I know will help a lot of sisters in the house.
I read you blog and since then I wrote down a lot of things to also share with you, but I am sorry I will just like to encourage you the more for your great strength and courage.
Mandy I really do love the way you could pour out and express your feelings and challenges all in one piece.
Not every woman have the courage to write out exactly how they feel and what they have been passing through, As an HIV+ woman for almost 20yr, a mother, a sister and also a friend.
Also with my work experience as an HIV trained counselor, I must say that the side effects of those drugs can be really frustrating.
I love the way you are managing your keep up dearest.
It is just a face you shall overcome it.
Let me tell you the most important thing is having a family who loves you a husband and friends who stick by you despite all.
Stay Well and Healthy.

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