MY GIRLS! I can't explain the connection and the happiness I feel when I'm around them. When I share space with them, I feel heard and held and so effortlessly it comes naturally for me to do the same for them. We are strong, we are hot af, and we are invincible together. At USCHA 2023 I was reunited with the amazing women of The Well Project. We presented together, we advocated together, we shared food and laughs and hugs together- I felt whole. The experience of being with my sisters revived me and provided me the energy to go forth in the world as me, all of me. They give me confidence to...
HEROconnor's blog
I had the honor of presenting on one of my favorite topics, HIV and Breast/Chestfeeding, at this year's HIV Is Not a Crime Conference. As you may or may not know, I had the privilege of breastfeeding both of my babies for 14 months, each as a woman living with HIV.
I don't know what came over me. Here I am, an unsure, brand new mom living with HIV, holding my newly born baby in my arms, and something kept telling me, "Just do it. Just tell them." The nurse asked me if I needed anything else before she left. Here's my chance. "The risk of HIV transmission from mother to child through breastfeeding when mother is undetectable is less than one percent. I'd like to breastfeed my baby and I'd like for you to speak with my infectious disease doctor for more information." It worked. They listened. They gave me support. My baby and I shared fourteen beautiful...
Today, I'm choosing to pour into myself in a way that allows me to be the best version of whoever I'm meant to be for those I love.
Following our trip to California, I continued mourning my life before HIV. In the midst of the daily funerals I would have for my "old self," I was still waiting, and in some ways hoping (praying) that this was not my reality.
I practice getting in my own way like it's an artform. Sometimes, when things seem to be going really smoothly, I experience this sense of uneasiness like I'm waiting for the next trauma to unravel in front of me like a red carpet.
I think my knees gave out and I stopped breathing all together, but it's so hard to remember what exactly happened next. I know that I asked for confirmation, "So, you're telling me that it's true… that I really do have HIV?" She replied quickly and apologetically, "Yes, I am so sorry."
I'm in a beautiful place where the snow is freshly fallen, life is everywhere, there are plenty of reasons to take the deepest breath and relax every inch of my body... but then there's that weight. There's the weight of what next and when and how much and how soon and will I be able to support my children financially while keeping a home and not yelling when I get too overwhelmed and my breath gets short. I did that this morning... yelled. I was tired. My body hurts. I'm in a beautiful place, but I still find my mind wandering somewhere else in the future where I know exactly what happens and...
Take your time. Your life just changed in a very drastic way and all of the feelings you are feeling right now are completely valid- anger, sadness, fear- allow yourself to feel them all. Surround yourself with support. If not a person close to you, an animal, if not an animal, an item that brings you comfort. Eventually these fresh wounds will scab over and you'll have the capacity to invite more in. Know one thing... nothing, not one single thing, did you do to deserve this diagnosis. Even though it may feel this way now, know you are no lesser than because of it. It is going to get better...
Today begins with a dance, a delicious duet between my anxious twinges and relatively dark depression. The audience on the edge of their seats... who will take the lead? Will she weep on the ground or work diligently to steady gasping breaths in the corner of the room?