It's been awhile since I last posted something.....Not sure if my first post got posted but here I am again posting something.
I am at home sitting and thinking of all that has happened in my life since my diagnose.....I have kept myself in the shadow away from life. For awhile I was living two lives...very exhausting I must admit. Don't get me wrong my immediate family new of my diagnose but, that's all. To be quite honest I am not sure who my family has chosen to tell about me, about my status. All I know is that I have chosen to follow those that have remained in "silence". To be quite; honestly I am afraid of being dismissed, of not being excepted, of not being a part of something....You see it all started as early as I could remember. I was never excepted by my peers as an adolescent, my junior years or my high schools years. I felt like an outcast. I had very low self esteem. So much that I made poor choices to be excepted by anyone and everyone. You see I was never taught about social skills at an early age...I learned this as I went along in life. I was never thought to think for myself. I followed and got myself in to many problems. I regret many choices I made which lead me to today to this blog site. I wish I never got infected!! I know it's been 25 years with this illness and at some point I have to be okay with this illness, but for today I am not. At times I don't feel as if I am worth anything. I look at my husband and feel sad for him. Sad that he got a bad apple. I have been through so much in my short life and as a result of my choices he has suffered as well as our sons. I know at times I think I know what they are thinking of and this is wrong, I drive myself mad. I make myself sad, sad for them.
Let me tell you something about me.....I was an unwed mom when I found out of was infected....I met a wonderful guy who took me in and my son and we became a family. At the age of 26 I was wisked off to prison...for something I did at the age of 22. I was arrested while eight months pregnant of my oldest son. I was released on my own recognizance until further notice ( a case was build against me). During this time I got engage to my now husband and we had another son. So, I am wisked away a month before my baby boys (second son) 1st birthday :( . I was so devastated because my court appointed lawyer assured me that I would get time served. I had to leave my sons and my fiance for five years. So off I go to Lexington Kentucky to start my time. Then I was transferred to Alderson Virginia then to Danbury Ct. then back to Alderson Virginia until my realse from prison. During this time my fiance came and visit me along with our sons (heart renching) because it was soooo hard to see them leave until the next time.....so now you see why I feel sad for my now husband. He got such a bad apple. I feel terrible for him. I know he loves me never been a doubt in my mind. But, I wish things were different.
I pray that my other half of life will be better.
Stay tuned......
