finding balance

Writers and storytellers are among my favorite types of people. I've always had a thing for books of all kinds. I was the nerdy kid in elementary and junior high school buying ALL the books from the Scholastic Book Fairs. Literally armloads.

Today, I'm choosing to pour into myself in a way that allows me to be the best version of whoever I'm meant to be for those I love.

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, some nights I used to be awakened by a mysterious swaying of the curtains in my room. Immediately, I would start seeing shapes that scared me a lot: deformed faces, threatening animals.

When I was diagnosed with HIV almost 17 years ago I dove head first into activism. I was angry and I needed something to do with that anger or I would have turned it onto myself. What I didn't realize is that I had already done that and what I did not know is that I would let that anger build for almost two decades before I accepted it.

Cuando tenía unos 4 o 5 años de edad, algunas noches solía despertarme un misterioso vaivén de las cortinas de mi habitación. De inmediato empezaba a ver formas que me producían mucho miedo: rostros deformes, animales amenazantes.

I've learned a sex conversation before sexual intimacy is so much more than my HIV status. If a man isn't open to STD testing and condoms in the initial phase of dating, they are in denial about sexual intimacy responsibility and not boyfriend material.

I found it incredibly therapeutic to hear and relate to the women who have posted before me here, and have found a lot of healing from putting my thoughts in writing. My hope is to help the next woman not feel so alone.

My name is Johana Quesada and I am a stay at home mom, HIV activist, artist and breathwork facilitator based in Dallas, Texas.

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