Sometimes I feel trapped; trapped in my career, my marriage and even my body. My career: I discovered my positive status while I was at work, so everyone knows. By everyone, I mean the other two women in the office. I’m a bit scared to move onto another office environment where people don’t know my status. I’m concerned what they would think if they found out. Is it something I share at an interview, so the employer knows I will need to visit the doctor often, which requires me leaving work early on those days? Is it something I will be judges for? If I don’t disclose and then they find out...
katie06's blog
For some reason, every time I sit down to write my blog over the last couple weeks, I get very upset, emotionally and physically. I literally begin to feel sick to my stomach. My mind races of everything I want to say, but can’t seem to type. I believe this is from the fact that as I write my blog, the HIV becomes real. Sometimes, I think I live in denial. But when I do things like write about it or talk about it, it all becomes so real. Sometimes when I lie down at night, my mind races, as it has throughout the day, with thoughts on HIV and my life before and after. Other times, I lie down...
In all honesty, I’ve not experienced much discrimination based upon my HIV status. That’s primarily because I don’t disclose to very many people. When I was diagnosed, my co-workers found out because I was told while I was at work. So I’ve had some experiences with them, such as not eating food I bring in, buying plastic gloves and a first aid kit for the office and a couple of hurtful emails I have come across. I can handle discrimination against myself. But it’s my son I worry about most. I never want him to feel ashamed, embarrassed or hurt because of me. I remember the pride I always had...
For the first time, I participated in an AIDS Walk. Honestly, it was a bit surreal. I thought I’d feel very nervous and uncomfortable, but it quite the opposite. I felt at ease. I felt accepted. For the first time since my diagnosis, I did not feel shame or embarrassment. Hundreds of strangers showed up to support a cause that is now very near and dear to my heart. It was great to see other people who were openly disclosing their status. I saw gay couples and straight couples, young people and old people. But the common factor was support. Support for research, funding and education. Support...
Sometimes, I feel like I’m living a lie. I live my “picture-perfect” life with my house in the suburbs, husband, child and career. Meanwhile, I’m fighting an inner battle, an even bigger battle than most people will ever be a part of, I’m fighting HIV. I sometimes feel guilt. I guess the guilt derives from not doing more for HIV, like educating or advocating. I pretend it doesn’t exist. I pretend that it’s not real. I pretend that I have this “picture-perfect” life. But at the end of the day, all I can think about is the HIV attacking my body. It’s drilled into your head upon diagnosis not to...
Well I though long and hard about what you ladies had to say and I agreed. When my husband and I die, I want to leave my son with a sibling to love and help comfort. So my husband and I decided to have another child. Then, less than a week later, I was told by my doctor that my cervical cancer is back. (I was diagnosed with both HIV and cervical cancer during my pregnancy.) I was told I will need to have another small procedure, but this time if it doesn't work, we will need to do something more drastic (such as a hysterectomy). I've had several in office procedures and even a surgery to...
As many of you know, I was diagnosed when I was pregnant, which was about 3 years ago. I took medication from my second trimester through delivery and then stopped due to doctor’s advice. I went to the doctor last week and he advised me that due to recent changes in the guidelines, I should really consider going on medications. However, he said that if I wanted to have another child, I should wait to begin medication when I enter my second trimester and then simply continue the drug regimen after birth. He also told me that if I want to have another child I should probably do so within the...
I just want to say that I feel so blessed to be a part of this blog. I have never felt so empowered since my diagnosis. This opportunity has provided me confidence and pride. After my diagnosis, I felt that I had lost a part of myself. But I was wrong; I have certainly grown as a person since my diagnosis. I owe a lot of that to this amazing experience. This blog has allowed me to reflect and absorb my true feelings. It has provided insight into a world that I knew very little about. I can’t help but feel somewhat at ease knowing that I am not alone. I have nothing but gratitude, love and...
I'm the first to admit that I don't know much about the Health Care Reform Bill. But I am also the first to shout that we need a change in the U.S. health care system. To live in such a rich and prosperous country, yet have no national healthcare seems outrageous. My husband and I are both positive. We go to the doctor every 4 months for our standard treatment plan. In addition to this, I also see a physician every 3months for cancer. We struggle with thousands of dollars in medical bills every year, above and beyond what we pay in insurance. I have a great job, with outstanding benefits. Yet...
I’ve fought depression for nearly 15 years and HIV for only 3. Over the past 15 years, I have consistently taken my prescription anti-depressant medications. But after being diagnosed with HIV 3 years ago, something stopped me. I’m not exactly sure what. I suppose I fell into a depression after being diagnosed with HIV, which should have been all the more reason to take my anti-depression medications. But it seemed to be more of an excuse. I sporadically took my anti-depressants over the past 3 years and completely stopped 6 months ago when my doctor advised me that my CD4 count had began to...