Well, where do I start? I have been going through a rollercoaster for some years now. Every time that it seems I am on the road to healing and stability something happens! I ask myself am I the only person that "ALWAYS" has some shit going on?? And of course I am not the only one… actually I am very blessed for what I do have and I know so many people in the world who are suffering so so much! but I still never like to compare pain… because pain is very real to all of us. I often look at others’ lives and ask them if they have HUGE struggles constantly?? It’s not even about HIV… and this is something that would knock some people out… I find that even though I have my struggle with HIV and AIDS, this is not my number one problem. Depression and anxiety are! I recognize that I still need a lot of healing from past trauma and I need better tools to deal with things as they come. I hate living in fear and this is yet another one of my problems! FEAR! Fear paralyzes us. I try to meditate and try to think positive thoughts all the time. It’s hard for me to vent these things to the world because of the huge responsibility I have with my mission. People freak out when I express something negative that is going on with me… so I always tell people I am ok… everything is ok… The ones that really know my pain are my mother and my beloved partner and spouse Li. He truly is there in my darkest hours and I am grateful for that. I have been journaling my emotions and it goes up and down... Sometimes I beg God to let me be free of the pain I feel. So many things are going on in my life that only a few people know… NO, it’s not about HIV always. It’s not about superficial things. It's things I can't talk about that are so, so hard that I don't know if I will ever express them publicly. All I know is I am trying to live one day at a time with love and positivity and the nights that I wake up gasping for air from panic and fears are becoming less for me.
I have finally bought myself a little baby. <3 Her name is Lamby. (She looks like a little lamb. <3 Mary had a little Lamb comes to mind when I watch her sleep.) I feel happy with her and my void will be filled again. <3 The trauma of the ripping theft and murder of my doggy peanut almost killed me and I never got closure. :( I still look at his clothes and cry! He was my child. I felt guilty getting another fur baby… but wherever peanut is I know he understands that I need to fill the void of not being a mother. I need to feel that I am taking care of a being. <3 I am and will give it all of me! I am over protecting her and I know I can't do that forever!! I just always fear that something is going to happen!!! Because something always happens! I've had some huge fights with God about things like that! I question why if I am being a good human being and help others do I have to go through such tough things? I am always dealing with multiple battles and struggles at the same time. Social media is smoke and mirrors as I have always said and people think my life is perfect. IF THEY ONLY KNEW! I cry almost every day… yes, I am an empath. I feel too deeply for myself and others. I just can't help that. They say tears clean the soul? Maybe. All I know is that I am getting stronger and stronger! What I thought would kill me has made me realize that it’s not over and I can make it in any circumstance I am put in! The struggles come in multiple ways ALWAYS! It’s not just one thing, it’s a lot! But I will make it and I will continue to embrace those days of peace and love! I will continue my mission in this life and I will continue to inspire the hopeless… because without purpose, I will shrivel and die. I am a survivor of many things and I am worthy of happiness! I will continue to work on myself, and hopefully I learn more tools to navigate through those hard times that come my way and embrace all the beautiful gifts that I do have.
Life is a path of roses full of thorns! With the elections in the USA, I have been all over the place! but I will not lose hope! I will be here to fight till the end... even if I feel that everything is unsettled. We will all make it! Let’s hold each other in love and light and compassion and empathy for one another.
Love you all!
Maria T Mejia