The struggles are making me stronger than I ever thought I could be

Well, where do I start? I have been going through a rollercoaster for some years now. Every time that it seems I am on the road to healing and stability something happens! I ask myself am I the only person that "ALWAYS" has some shit going on?? And of course I am not the only one… actually I am very blessed for what I do have and I know so many people in the world who are suffering so so much! but I still never like to compare pain… because pain is very real to all of us. I often look at others’ lives and ask them if they have HUGE struggles constantly?? It’s not even about HIV… and this is something that would knock some people out… I find that even though I have my struggle with HIV and AIDS, this is not my number one problem. Depression and anxiety are! I recognize that I still need a lot of healing from past trauma and I need better tools to deal with things as they come. I hate living in fear and this is yet another one of my problems! FEAR! Fear paralyzes us. I try to meditate and try to think positive thoughts all the time. It’s hard for me to vent these things to the world because of the huge responsibility I have with my mission. People freak out when I express something negative that is going on with me… so I always tell people I am ok… everything is ok… The ones that really know my pain are my mother and my beloved partner and spouse Li. He truly is there in my darkest hours and I am grateful for that. I have been journaling my emotions and it goes up and down... Sometimes I beg God to let me be free of the pain I feel. So many things are going on in my life that only a few people know… NO, it’s not about HIV always. It’s not about superficial things. It's things I can't talk about that are so, so hard that I don't know if I will ever express them publicly. All I know is I am trying to live one day at a time with love and positivity and the nights that I wake up gasping for air from panic and fears are becoming less for me.

I have finally bought myself a little baby. <3 Her name is Lamby. (She looks like a little lamb. <3 Mary had a little Lamb comes to mind when I watch her sleep.) I feel happy with her and my void will be filled again. <3 The trauma of the ripping theft and murder of my doggy peanut almost killed me and I never got closure. :( I still look at his clothes and cry! He was my child. I felt guilty getting another fur baby… but wherever peanut is I know he understands that I need to fill the void of not being a mother. I need to feel that I am taking care of a being. <3 I am and will give it all of me! I am over protecting her and I know I can't do that forever!! I just always fear that something is going to happen!!! Because something always happens! I've had some huge fights with God about things like that! I question why if I am being a good human being and help others do I have to go through such tough things? I am always dealing with multiple battles and struggles at the same time. Social media is smoke and mirrors as I have always said and people think my life is perfect. IF THEY ONLY KNEW! I cry almost every day… yes, I am an empath. I feel too deeply for myself and others. I just can't help that. They say tears clean the soul? Maybe. All I know is that I am getting stronger and stronger! What I thought would kill me has made me realize that it’s not over and I can make it in any circumstance I am put in! The struggles come in multiple ways ALWAYS! It’s not just one thing, it’s a lot! But I will make it and I will continue to embrace those days of peace and love! I will continue my mission in this life and I will continue to inspire the hopeless… because without purpose, I will shrivel and die. I am a survivor of many things and I am worthy of happiness! I will continue to work on myself, and hopefully I learn more tools to navigate through those hard times that come my way and embrace all the beautiful gifts that I do have.

Life is a path of roses full of thorns! With the elections in the USA, I have been all over the place! but I will not lose hope! I will be here to fight till the end... even if I feel that everything is unsettled. We will all make it! Let’s hold each other in love and light and compassion and empathy for one another.

Love you all!

Maria T Mejia




Love right back at you!  I

Lynn2011's picture

Love right back at you!  I agree, while my HIV diagnosis nearly 9 yers ago was a blow, it some of the other stuff that gets worse.  Mental health can do a number on us.  Congratulations on your new baby.... Lamby looks so cute.




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kmartel commented on The Change

Thu, 9/21/2017 - 12:04pm
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In 2005 the Women and HIV Think Tank changed its name to WRI to reflect the work of the group and ongoing commitment to measurable results in the management of HIV disease in women.

Did you just test positive for HIV? Look here for help on next steps, normal feelings, and finding support.

A Place at the Table: WATCH! is an eight-week webinar series that offers women living with HIV* capacity building and training on HIV disease and treatment advocacy.

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