Contemplating Divorce...

katie06's picture

My marriage is falling apart.  I’m not going to deny it any longer.  Not only must I consider all of the typical issues when contemplating divorce (like where will I live, how will I pay for everything, who gets the house, the car, etc.),  I must also consider my HIV status.  I’m scared to get a divorce and leave my husband with no health insurance, since it’s through my employer.  While there are programs to help people in that situation, it takes effort on one’s part to participate.  I don’t have faith that he will do all of that.  Regardless of our marriage or relationship, I do want him to be healthy and around for our son.

I also fear being alone.  Not just right now, but in the future.  I’m scared that I will be sick and unable to care for myself.  The one person who would have helped me will be gone.  I'm scared not having a spouse to laugh, cry and comfort one another. I'm scared to try to date again.  Quite frankly, if this doesn't work, I'm done with relationships!  I can't imagine trying to find someone and disclsoing that I'm HIV positive.  I respect and admire those who are strong enough women to do so, but I know that I am not.  I would rather be alone than face the rejection and judgement.

I’m not sure what I will do yet…. stay or go…but I know I’m scared.  I’m scared for my son, I’m scared for my husband and I’m scared for myself.  I pray that the answer will be clear and reveal itself soon.  In the meantime, I can simply say that I am terrified.

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Comments

ellejay's picture

Hey Katie

it's scary! I was single when 1st diagnosed. I kept waking in the middle of the night yearning for somebody to talk to and hold, the emotional void was so painful and terrifying. A year on and I played with a few dates, just to test how I felt about disclosure and the possible consequences, but none of the dates got that far, I had some fun and no harm done. Now, another year on and I'm feeling fairly ok about being by myself, open to the possibility that I might meet someone good enough but not actively seeking. This feels like a comfortable place to rest for the time being; hey relationships are hard work!!!! This has been my journey and yours might be nothing like it but I wanted to share that I have found light places in this dark tunnel and it's good to know I can stand alone.
I'd urge you to look after yourself and your son and encourage your husband to take responsibility for himself.
I wish you strength and faith whatever you do.
Hugs
L.J.

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lovinglife101's picture

Katie,
I love you very much and I know you are a very strong beautiful woman who will make the right decision for yourself and your family. It is very difficult to stay in a relationship that isn't working; it is also very difficult to end a relationship and start over.

There was once a time when I thought no one would ever love me; hell, I didn't love myself. But I was much happier alone than I was in a really bad relationship. My relationship was filled with addiction and substance abuse. My partner and I partied and drank all the time - we had been together over 5 years and I was getting tired. There came a time when I wanted to grow up and he didn't. I had to move on for myself. Unfortunately, he later began using heroine on a regular basis, got arrested and faced many other consequences. But I do not blame myself nor take responsibility for his choices. There will always be a place in my heart for him but I had to do the best thing for myself and I am very glad I did.

I was alone for 6 years. I focused on my school work and learning to live all over again. At times it was hard but I made it through the tough times with the help of my friends. I finally met Brian, he treats me like a queen everyday! He is HIV negative but he supports me in everything I do. He never yells, he is always kind and thoughtful - even though I can be a bitch at times. He puts up with me and for that I love him and am grateful I took the time I needed to learn to love myself and grow because I am in a stronger, healthier relationship.

I wish you the best of luck, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Write or call me privately if you ever need to talk or just vent.

Love YOU!

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Doreen's picture

Katie:
You don't need to worry. Pray, reading the Word and Meditation is the only answer. God loves you and will see you through all these, only if you allow Him to handle your problems.
Thank you for sharing.
Doreen

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