Getting My Self Back So I Can Receive the Joy I DESERVE

So I have been struggling between addiction, sexual, mental and physical abuse. Yet when asked, "Why do you accept the time you have with these individuals?" I can only respond with love. I ask myself why does it matter to me? I see you stand in judgement of others. When you had and have no intentions to comfort, teach or love these particular individuals. Go away already for Goodness sake.

Misery does love company. I do not.

After so many decades of loneliness and feeling inadequate, your door opens; yet unlike the company you been keeping, an unfamiliar face appears (I see me, I showed up), take a breath of faith. I go forward. Why?

Well I will tell you.

I may be blah blah blah and in many cases it’s a fact. I am the only face these fucked up addicted - lonely humans see. I smile and care. I am one of them. We save each other or die alone.

Those who outed me for personal gain, ugh. You suck. Yet I thank you. I am becoming whole. I set my goals for me today. I stepped away from trying to hide in others’ problems.

Today I understand something my Great Gramma told me when I was just 12. I will never forget those moments spent with her or the gathering of real family at Hampton Beach. The good memories must be so good as to make the worst days just speed bumps.

I am Hope...

I am Laughter...

I am Brave ...

I am Loved...

I am missed...

I am not me...

I have longed for that whole to be filled and found it’s not about filling it. It’s about a journey of building the dirt up to act as steps, and hearing, staying teachable, loving without expectations. When you hurt, Smile, Shout out Glory, Hug people. Why? It’s these exact moments (for me) an addict realizes they have a problem and there is a solution. Yes, simple. Let’s break it down.

State the problem. Be direct. Awesome. State a solution. Now Jump (a metaphor). I have experienced it’s the breaking through from uncertainty that I find comfort in, the small kind overlooked actions which can save a soul from itself.

Nature vs. Nurture in all aspects. Stay BEAUTIFUL!!!

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Judith Auerbach, Ph.D., is a public sociologist, independent science and policy consultant, and adjunct professor in the School of Medicine at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) who has demonstrated a lifelong commitment to helping women with HIV.

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