The Desolation of HIV

Being HIV+ is one thing, doing it as a single hetero female is quite another. I find myself alone, wondering if I will ever find that compatible, understanding human being who is either a saint or also HIV+ and alone. It's not to say though, that I haven't searched. There are websites out there dedicated to us. I can say from experience it's still a lonely endeavor.

I find that these sites are mostly catering to gay men, which is great for them. It is a gay men-dominated disease. In the beginning of my diagnosis I was the only woman at the "social gatherings" and now...it's still pretty much the same. In fact I have walked out of these "social gatherings" with tears in my eyes and an empty feeling of desolation because I was the only woman in the gathering, which was dominated by gay men. I actually looked around myself surrounded by people who shared this disease and felt completely unwanted and unwelcome in their presence. Like an alien. I have nothing against gay men. I think they are funny and charming. I wonder if the gay male HIV+ population has the same issues in finding a compatible mate as I have.

I have had several dates with other HIV+ men who are certainly off their rockers. This saddens me, frustrates me, makes me feel even more alone and then it hits me…Is this an issue with us? HIV+ population gone bonkers? Is this disease seeping into our personalities and our brains? Are we just sentenced to grow old and die alone?

I know we are an aging group, which scares the daylights out of me. Especially those of us who forge onward, alone. Elderly people in today's nursing homes are already facing scary proper care issues...what happens when we arrive?! I'm not looking forward to it. In fact, I have thought to myself that if it comes to that I'm checking out before I get there. What's the point of being discriminated against and mistreated all over again as a defenseless elder with HIV?

Trying to find someone who is not HIV+ to date, then disclose my status at just the right time before anything becomes serious, or nowadays "criminal behavior", isn't happening. These people don't want to have anything to do with the reality of HIV, the danger, the repercussions.

So I trudge on alone, wishing for someone, hoping for someone, daydreaming of someone who will honestly never appear because I have been alone too long, I have built my walls of steel and stone. I am encased in a lonely desolate tomb labeled HIV.

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Ellejay's picture

Solo Girl
I am sure that you are not alone with these feelings. I searched for some time on 'positive' sites and never found a match. No man seemed compatible and living where I do in the remote S.W. peninsula of the UK it just seemed plain impossible. Friends advised me to steer away from 'non pos' sites as they feared for my 'inevitable' rejections and ensuing despair.
Last year I experienced a surge of optimism and an uncharacteristic confidence that I was worth it, I am me, we are we, and I refuse to be defined and limited by this illness. I started dating guys that didn't have the virus. I dated a few who didn't feel right, but I had a good time and some new company for an afternoon here and there. The first man I disclosed to was on our second date, he was really supportive and sweet but said he needed time to think. About 4 weeks later he texted and said that he wanted to talk as he couldn't stop thinking about me. By then it was too late. I had met another guy, disclosed on our second date and he held me tight and has held me tight ever since. We have been together for nearly 5 delightful months. Traveled to Europe and Morocco. Laughed many times and only shed a few tears. He's an amazing guy, philosophical, non judgmental, generous and loving. He has restored my faith in people and has helped me to recover my sense of self-worth.
Sister don't give up, don't think yourself into a lonely corner. Remember you are still who you were before and more besides. Don't limit yourself, don't discriminate against yourself. Dates can be playful, one day at a time. Your instincts will tell you when you find the right person to disclose to. Don't apologize, don't dramatize, be cool and factual and if he's worth it then he will listen. Just allow yourself to have a little fun with him before you risk going your independent ways. Even one day can make for a good memory.
Things can get better they really can!
Shine on sister
Elle xxxxx

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mallory conrad's picture

You have it beter then I do I'm young and HIV pos and can't get meds and completely alone

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Bill Horne's picture

Not long to go till our 3rd year anniversary, 3 wonderful years and many more to come, She is on a bridging visa, and close to getting her spouse visa. My wife is from the Philippines and HIV+, I am still negative. We found out when she first went for a medical for a spouse visa after our marriage. That visa was refused, but we were successful in getting a tourist visa, and now the bridging visa. She went for a medical at the local hospital, and they have been fantastic, she is on new medication, and even getting dental work done soon.
My wife is 26 and I'm 55. I'm so lucky to have her. There is someone for everyone, you just have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the prince. Good luck.
Bill xxx

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Lynn2011's picture

I want to validate your pain of feeling alone. It is such a terrible feeling. I wish you all the luck in finding a special love, and in the meantime, we are all here together for you.

Lynn

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free's picture

I hear you and understand, I am not sure what the answer is, being alone is very hard, growing old and alone harder.

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Lol's picture

Don't despair I know exactly how you feel because I have had those thoughts and I am here to tell you , there is some one out there for you. It takes a bit of courage to put yourself out there but when you find him it's all going to be worth it.

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OUCH!!

RUBYFRUIT's picture

I know just how you feel. I deal with women as my lovers and it's not easy on this side either. And those dateing sites are much to be desired and  cost too much money.

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