Disclosure

I have been giving a lot of thought to my reluctance to disclose my HIV positive status to anyone. I have been positive since 1996 and I would guess about ten people know my status. Initially I was sick and did not even consider telling anyone who didn't have the need to know because of the stigma. I told my parents but did not tell the rest of my family because I was embarrassed and did not want my parents to have to answer questions my family wouldn't ask me. I told my brothers who were very supportive but we don't talk about it.

I was scared that people would treat me different and be like "oh poor thing, she has HIV". Of course, like everyone else, I have had painful things happen at times when I did disclose. At the time, my brother's future wife was aware I was positive and we were close. Then at their wedding, all the bridesmaids were in the limo drinking champagne out of the bottle and they would not drink after me. I couldn't believe that she told them and they were so ignorant. I was too embarrassed to say anything at the time.

I went to a dentist once who told me his "hygienist had a small child and if she didn't want to work on me she didn't have to." I did take action on that one, I sent a letter to the board and he was removed from the dental plan I had.

I am an RN and worked with many HIV positive people. My coworkers were accepting of them but I didn't disclose because I didn't want them to look at our patients and think of me or censor what they said because I was around.

So those are some of the many reasons I haven't disclosed. Now we'll get to the reasons I am ready to disclose. I have taken HIV and put it in a tiny box and hidden away in a part of me that I don't visit. While this served me well for many years, it has begun to weigh on me. I want to be one of those people who put a face on this disease. So people can see it can happen to anyone. I want to be whole.

I am going to have a year clean in NA in one week. It is traditional that you tell your story on your anniversary. Promiscuous sex, unprotected sex, drug use and HIV all go hand in hand. I got HIV 20 years ago in the rooms of NA so it is a part of my story. I want people to know that just because they got off drugs doesn't mean they are safe. They need to have safe sex and get tested. Maybe by hearing me they will see that it can happen to anyone.

Tags: 

like0

Comments

jae001's picture

Congratulations on your year! I am an RN too HIV+ for 23 years. I tell some people and I don't tell others.. I have had very poor outcomes too. But the people that treat you the same, are either willing to be educated or already are... This is your story.. It needs to be told. Go for it!

like0

sonyamallard's picture

Wow, I was at the end of your writing and thinking ....give me more give me more! Kudos on your recovery process and being cleaned "today". Also, you really gave another spin as to why ppl don't disclose right away, but you are going to save a lot of lives and leave a memorable imprint on the hearts and minds of the ones in the room when you speak. I think it will be an awesome time to disclose, and more importantly a meaningful time to speak your truth on your anniversary. I applaud you!

like0

Vickie's picture

Congratulations on your clean time anniversary. I have 29 years of living with HIV and 8+ years of being in recovery. I am very open about my HIV status and always include it in my story when I speak in the rooms - it is my recovery status I am not so open about. I wish you the best and look forward to reading more of your writing.

like0

congratulations on your clean

tany's picture
  • congratulations on your clean recovery.
like0

Blog themes: 

Do you get our newsletter?

admin's picture

Sign up for our monthly Newsletter and get the latest info in you in box.

seventh name

Look here for information on specific HIV drugs, organized by drug class. Learn about drug names, side effects, use in pregnancy, and more.

Does HIV make it hard for you to feel sexy or be intimate? Get some tips about how to boost your sex-esteem and put the pleasure back in sex!

Get tips on talking to the media as well as the best ways to use social media in advocacy around HIV/AIDS.

Browse Blogs by Theme