You see that I am not writing often. But I know that when I do, it is because I feel the need to share something I think is important. To live with HIV is to live differently. Although many believe that one can lead a "normal" life being in treatment.
The truth is that we are exposed to so many things. And the worst is that this is not spoken. It seems that the biggest taboo of having HIV is sex. In my short career as an activist I have seen the sexual needs of those living with HIV. I see daily how these people are almost desperately seeking someone to become a couple. And they look for people who are living with the virus, without even caring what part of the planet they are from. Understandably, they are tired of searching and being rejected. You're corresponding and the first thing they ask is your marital status. In closed groups of social networks they're filled with posts, looking for a partner or someone to meet in the same condition.
It has hit so hard, the lack of sex and the rejection, that they end up opting for contracting services to sex workers or definitely not to saying that they are living with the virus unless they see that it is a serious relationship.
Morally society tells us we must say that we are living with the virus if we are going to have sex, even casual. How easy it is to say that when it's not your turn!! If we were not so rejected I'm sure we would say it without drawbacks. It is amazing how they reject you. And that is my lived experience. Men who invited me out but once I told them my condition, they wouldn't even write me.
You go out to have fun, to get out of your head. You meet someone and think of having sex. You brake, you say it is important they know. You tell them, as best you can, as it comes out. They leave ... Once again you're left with the desire. Ahhh but beware if you don't tell them and start having sex often and spend time together and when you see that it might be more than casual sex, you decide to tell… They leave, because you didn't tell them earlier.
And they reject you one time, two, three .... Until it's decided not talk about it anymore ...
They have no idea how hard rejection is. Not having sex because you live with a virus. Self-esteem is buried. The sadness that comes over you. The nights are long, very long. And make us afraid to try again.
And there we go through life, in the dilemma of not knowing whether to say it or not say it ... while everyone's judging the situation, we continue to go without having sex because now the fear is in us.