All photos courtesy of author
I hope you don't mind, but today I've decided to post something deeply personal and dear to my heart. I want to tell you about my best friend, my baby, and the love of my life... Tux.
Tux is my dog, a beautiful black and white Shih-Tzu who captured my heart the moment he was born. On March 7th, 2012 he came into my life and I'm forever grateful that he did; I don't know what I'd do without him.
Don't let the fur and four legs fool you, he's no animal. He's an angel with supernatural powers. He has the amazing ability to calm my soul with just a look, a stroke through his hair, or simply his presence that is ever by my side. My heart melted the moment I first laid eyes on him and I was hopelessly in love with him. I had always wanted a black Shih-Tzu, but his father was solid white so I figured the chances were slim, but there he was, squeaking like a little toy, barely able to walk, and sleeping like an angel.
He was adorable, the most precious little thing I had ever seen and I bonded with him deeply and immediately. Even still palm-sized, he was fearless, challenging my pit bull, jumping up at his face and letting him know who was boss, jumping from the porch without fear of the height and getting back up, and willing to do it again. I admired his courage so much.
Though much more docile than himself, Tux followed the rule of his father Gusty. I always found that to be rather amazing. Gusty was always such a calm and quiet dog that would avoid any kind of confrontation that he could, while Tux was fearlessly bold, rambunctious, and confronted everything head on, yet he acknowledged his father as the alfa leader until the day Gusty died. He loved and respected his papa and never challenged him.
Tux has been there for me through some challenging and heartbreaking times, things that I don't know how I would have handled were it not for his company, like when his father Gusty died in February of 2015. I was devastated and inconsolable but Tux was my comfort, or when my family disowned me for being transgender; my heart was crushed to pieces but Tux never stopped loving me, and as I went through my divorce, I grieved as I have never grieved before, with a sorrow that will never be matched, but he kept me from falling completely apart. To be so small, he has carried such a tremendous weight on his shoulders, nursing my weathered heart back to stability and filling it once more with joy again and again, yet he never grows weary of the burden. He seems more than happy to carry the load, one belly rub at a time, lol.
Our pets are such amazing sources of comfort and healing, at times more effective than medicine and as soothing as prayer. They help us at times no one else can, in ways no one could without reservation. They love without condition and trust without hesitation, they are loyal through the flames of hell and would fight a bear for you. There's just nothing like the love of a dog. They become part of our family and part of our soul, no different from your children. Our dogs ARE our children.
My baby boy Tux just passed away. They say they cross the rainbow bridge and wait for us in heaven. Is it wrong that part of me hopes that he's still here with me, invisible but still under my feet, still following me everywhere? I've loved him every day for 15 years. Please don't leave me now, Tux.
Death is so hard to accept. It's hard to accept a finite amount of time with him, and accept that it's run out. 15 years just seems too short of a life to grow old. But I guess he was ready to go. He had been blind for the last few years, but he still went outside and walked around every day, so he got his exercise. He learned how to get around without his sight. He had the house and yard memorized; it's the only world he ever knew.
Sometimes I wonder if I didn't die with him. I just feel like I'm in a bad dream. To be honest, I'm just still in shock. Even though I've cried rivers of tears because I know that he is gone, part of me is waiting for him to scratch at the door wanting in, and part of me thinks I just saw him outside, but it was just his son who looks like him.
Tux left me quite a legacy though, I have 17 of his children. I feel so fortunate to have all of them. You might think that I've got nothing to mourn with so many other dogs, but each one has their own value, I love them all uniquely and individually for who they are, and they're all irreplaceable. I know having that many dogs is a bit too much for most people, but I love each and every one of them deeply. They keep me together, from falling apart, carrying the burden on their shoulders their father once carried.
This is my family and Tux is my angel. I just wanted you to know him.
