NOT SURE HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN DO THIS

Hi fulmergirl- I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time--and I can completely understand how overwhelmed you are feeling. Please have hope--I know it's really difficult, but things can get better. There are members of our community who would also like to respond and help support you, but unfortunately this post isn't accessible to them. Would you mind if I share your email with some women in our community who can offer support? Also, please email me at kmartel@thewellproject.org. You can't do this alone and building a support community is really helpful---and we want to help. 

We have so much more power on our happiness, spiritual well-being and shame than we realize. It took my diagnosis to realize the strength I have to overcome my own shame, insecurities, and fears. We have to continuously fight the battle to not look at our condition with ignorance. We are able to love fulfilling lives with loving others, like your sisters here. Just know you are not alone in your feelings. 

Hello sister! I can relate to you in so many ways! I urge you to continue coming here and getting our support! you are not alone! I am a 30-year survivor of HIV and many more things!! we are warriors and we will make it. I firmly believe we evolve spiritually through pain and our trials! you will make them your testimony one day!

much love and light

Maria 

Fulmergirl,

Reading your post brought me back to when I was first diagnosed.  The why questions swirling in my head, filling my spirit with fear and self-hatred. That was over 33 years ago, instead of taking care of myself and reaching out for help [at that time, there really wasn't any help], I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, to hide from the world, to hide from myself.  

I am so sorry you are going through all this and truly wish I could help you.  For me, it took years of self-abuse before I finally surrendered and found help for my substance use.  Once I found recovery, I found other women who supported me along the way.  Sometimes I felt like I was moving through mud, other times I felt like I was drowning.  But I never gave up and I took each day as it came and started writing a daily gratitude list.  At first, it seemed odd, what the hell did I have to be grateful for, but as time went on it became much easier to see the good things in my life.  Don't get me wrong, there was still so many things that made my life difficult, but somewhere along my journey, I found hope.  Maybe it was always there, I think it had been buried so deep in my soul that I just had a hard time finding it.

Well, I glad you are here, I am glad you reached out, and I pray you find a glimmer of hope that keeps you going.  HIV is simply a diagnosis, it is a virus that can be managed.  People living with HIV today can live a long healthy life, don't let it stand in the way of your dreams.  Don't let it define who you are.

I have never met you [I don't think] but I love you and you are worthy of a wonderful life.  I hope we can help you.  Please keep writing and forgive me for being late to respond.  We are here for you!

Well well well where do I begin with your response LovingLife?  I appreciate every word, I appreciate you sharing your experience and feelings at the beginning of this process. I have a long way to go to get to where you are now. This diagnosis is still really new to me ( a little over 2½ yrs) so I still have a lot to learn and a lot to get over but I know that it weill be done. Thank you so much and I hope that I can make so life long friends through this experience.