This is so hard to do but im here and need some support.I found out 2019 that i was Hiv+.I was in denial like hell like no u sure check it again.I was so numb and automatically thought i was gonna die,i didnt have the proper knowledge 100%about hiv.When i found out i didnt even go on meds because of the denial for 3 months and being embarrassed to even tell anyone.I started to get night sweats,a rash on arms and legs always tired my body was starting to break down.I finally went to my local health department and got retested again for everything ,wishing like hell it was a mistake but it wasnt.
I talk to a female case worker after test came back, at health department and cried like a baby.I did not feel any sence of relief after talking to her because, she wasn't going threw this .my caseworker worker recommended a doctor who sees patients for everything so nobody knows why u are there,that was a relief at least.My caseworker accompanied me to my first appointment i need that support.To my surprise my doctor has the Aids virus for over 20 years so it was easier to talk with him ,cause he was just like me in a way. After test that day 3 weeks later when i went for a check up my cd4 was 588 and VL was 1339 and that was before i even took meds. i just stared meds in dec of 2019 im on biktary and there are some good days and some bad days.I have taken this so hard i had to take short term leave from work because the meds had me nauseous and sleepy ,bad pain like sharp cramps ,my bowels were off the chain.Ive isolated my self in the house i barely leave my house ive cut everyone off change my number ive been in a dark lonley place .I dont even feel like me anymore i wont even entertain a friendly conversation with a man period .I dont want to feel like this i feel unworthy , unwanted ,depressed not interested in anything anymore .I have nobody to talk to about this because of fear of being judged,i haven't been sexually active since i found out and dont even have the desire to.I dont want to feel lonley anymore or depressed im in such a bad dark place in my life .I hate that somedays my meds make me feel like shi* ,i hate i trusted someone so much that i knew, and thought he had my best interest at heart but obviously not.I thought we were for each other only but come to find out he was for everybody ,now im stuck with that shi* forever.I know i have to take my meds everyday to stay healthy but what about my mental state of mind it sucks so bad.I feel like ill be Lonley dealing with this alone ,cause im scared nobody will want me because there lack of education on hiv .I just really some support before i go crazy not letting my emotions and feelings out about this hiv mess .
Sincerely,
Lonley outcast
