Living in Limbo Land

Waiting, waiting for the test results, what can I say? Will it be high, low? How low can I go?

I went in so confidently, no fear, I actually look forward to it, the reaffirmation that I'm doing well. A chance to update my consultant, he is the most consistent man in my life! 10 years now I've seen him. He's listened to a lot, heard me, hugged me, held me, and always reassured me. But this time was different, the system has changed and now instead of tea and cake in the clinic, a nice chat then the tests results emailed a week later. There's a new protocol, bloods first then 2 weeks later a consultation. Ok I can do this, it's ok, makes sense, so I book two appointments, But when I arrive for the first after a morning of meditation and preparation, I find a note on the table. No glossy magazines to distract me, just the information that, following BHIVA guidelines, they are only testing VL annually. Slight panic begins, but I'm still calm. I've been here before and it should be on my notes, even though I'm stable I need to know. If I had a choice I'd get results every 3 months. I loved getting them monthly when I was in a study, especially the undetectable ones, good times! I know that in other countries just the CD4 is tested and that this is the most important figure, I can rationalize, I understand the reasoning, but emotionally my viral load is loaded.

To read this blog in its entirety, click here.

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