Live or die

I absolutely hate taking medicine.

Especially this HIV shit.

They told me at the beginning that I would have to take medicine everyday.

But damn y'all ...

I really gotta take medicine everyday.

It's like this anchor that reminds me daily of my positive HIV status.

Sometimes, I like to pretend that it is just a vitamin so my brain doesn't even have to explore that thought, again. 

Sometimes, I wish that I skip a few doses so I can be "normal".

Cus this pill be in the way. 

I remember my earlier days going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds -

- it used to be like a covert mission of some sort.

And I was the only one to know.

First of all Mr. Pharmacy Tech - you need to lower you voice when you confirm the medications that I'm picking up.

I don't care if you do think the people in the waiting area don't know what Kaletra and Combivir are 

because we all know that's only a matter of an online search.

And when they nosey asses do figure it out, 

BAM!

Now, they gonna tell the whole city. 

Ugh!

(This scenario here is actually part of the reason I was so eager to share my story at the beginning.

I want to paint my own narrative.

Y'all be missing shit when y'all try to do it.)

Anyways, to this day, when the meds finally make it home, I rip my name and shit off almost immediately.

And then rip that piece into smaller pieces.

Who needs/ wants to see their name associated with ARVs

And I sure don't want the damn label in the trash because then it will go to the landfill, a scammer will find it, and they go blast my information all over the internet. 

I really do realize how very irrational and fortunate I am.

There are people whose realities mimic my irrational thoughts, though.

I have met people who have to hide their medicine from roommates.

I have met people who have to hide their medication from both from their coworkers AND those at home.

And when I say hide, I mean HIDE.

This guy told me one time that he was fired because his boss walked in and saw him taking HIV medication.

That's foul, man.

What about going out of town and leaving your medicine at home?

It is one of my worst fears to be stuck somewhere without my pill.

How could one enjoy any parts of a 5 day trip knowing that they left their medicine in a place where they are not?

I know I sure wouldn't be able to.

Instead of relaxing and shit, I would be anxiously awaiting the moment that HIV would take over my body again.

I would be planning my funeral and freaking the fuck out.

Y'all know I be extra. 

But that's because I know how important it is that I remain compliant with my meds.

Tip: Medication adherence is vital.

I know that if I don't do what I am supposed to, that this HIV rollercoaster I have been riding can begin to plummet.

And I don't want that.

I have too much to lose.

Medication is how I have been undetectable so many years.

Medication is how I was able to give birth to a HIV negative child.

My regimen doesn't make me sick and for this I am grateful.

I feel good and for his I am humbled.

And what better way to show my graciousness than to protect what has been afforded to me?

What not to do: Don't take your blessings for granted. Things could be way worse. Like for real.

But yea, like I said before ...

I absolutely hate taking medicine.

Especially this HIV shit.

But I have learned to put my feelings to the side so that I can continue to live this life of mine.

Cus this shit's poppppppppin!

+ Ci Ci +

This blog was originally posted on Healing is Voluntary

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Comments

We've all been there

tj30trust's picture

I'm so glad that you are able to express yourself fully in your journey living with HIV. The good, bad and the most difficult to talk about. I want you to know that we have all been where you are. I battled for over a year to take my medicine because I grew tired of the reminder. In the end, I decided that my health was more important. 

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*Former Pharmacy Technician

MasoniaTraylor's picture

I used to fear you judging me as a technician more. I used to be terrified of filling my scripts at my own pharmacy that I worked at regardless of HIPAA. I still have moments of I dont like this ish and realize it's all a process to accept ongoing. Just give me my cure please.

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So relatable. It's scary

Escalice's picture

So relatable. It's scary sometimes knowing my life fully depends on whether or not I take this pill every day. Even if I accidentally miss a dose here and there, I know scientifically I'll be fine, but there's a part of me that still freaks out. But as you said, we are lucky in the sense that our regimens are so much easier to take and easier on our bodies than the survivors who came before us. We must keep going!

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