Dating while living with HIV can be empowering, joyful, and deeply fulfilling—but it also comes with moments of vulnerability, especially when it comes to disclosure. One of the most common questions people ask is: "When is the right time to tell someone I'm dating that I have HIV?" The truth is, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. But there are guiding principles that can help you navigate this with confidence, care, and self-care.
Timing Is Personal—Not Prescribed
There's no legal requirement in the UK to disclose your HIV status before a first date, or even before intimacy, as long as you're practising safer sex and/or have an undetectable viral load (thanks to effective treatment). But emotionally, disclosure is about more than legalities—it's about trust, safety, and mutual respect.
Some people choose to share early, even before meeting in person. Others wait until they've built a connection. Both are valid. What matters most is that you feel ready, and that the setting allows for a respectful, private conversation.
Ask Yourself: What Do I Need to Feel Safe?
Before disclosing, consider:
- Do I feel emotionally safe with this person?
- Have they shown empathy, curiosity, or openness around health or difference?
- Am I disclosing because I want to, or because I feel pressured?
Disclosure should never feel like a test or a confession. It's a sharing of truth, not a surrender of power.
How to Say It: Keep It Clear, Grounded, and Empowered
You don't need to explain everything about HIV. A simple, confident statement can go a long way:
"I want to share something important with you. I'm living with HIV, and I'm healthy and on treatment. My viral load is undetectable, which means I can't pass it on. I'm telling you because I respect you and want to be honest."
You can tailor this to your voice, but the key is clarity and confidence. You're not asking for permission—you're offering truth.
What If They React Badly?
It's painful, but not uncommon. Stigma still exists, and not everyone is informed or emotionally mature enough to respond well. If someone reacts with fear, judgement, or rejection, remember: that's about them, not you.
You deserve connection with people who see your whole self—not just your diagnosis.
Disclosure Is a Doorway, Not a Wall
When done with care, disclosure can deepen intimacy, build trust, and challenge stigma. It's a brave act of self-love and advocacy. Whether the relationship continues or not, you've honoured your truth—and that's powerful.
Final Thought:
You are more than your status. You are worthy of love, respect, and joy. Disclose when you feel ready, and never forget—you're not alone.
Louise Vallace is the Founder and CEO of Aunty Lou's House Limited, a vibrant platform dedicated to supporting individuals living with HIV and challenging societal stigma.
She hosts the inspiring podcast "Aunty Lou's Hour", where she interviews people from around the world about their HIV journey. She also goes onto the streets and talks to the public directly about HIV to open up a public dialogue about HIV.
Beyond her work in HIV awareness, Louise is a certified Yoga Teacher and Intersection Coach, blending mindfulness and inclusivity into her practice. She is a proud neurodivergent and follows a plant-based diet.
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