Have you ever been so in love that it hurts, and lost it? Divorce sucks sometimes. I'd like to tell you a story about myself and my journey to becoming something new, to where I am now. The fires that I lit with my own hands and had to walk through. I've never told my story before because I'm not sure if I'm ashamed or not, but I've always felt shame for what I did, even though I felt like I couldn't help it. It wasn't a choice but it was, at the same time.
I've lived my entire life in two separate worlds, the first being what everyone wanted me to be, a man, but the other was a secret life that no one ever knew, where I could live in a femininity that didn't belong to me. I've always wanted to be a girl, but it was so much more than just a wish. I never really wanted these feelings, but as hard as I've tried to get rid of them, nothing has ever worked. I would stay up all night just so I could paint my nails, but I had to take it off before morning. I shaved my legs from a young age and told everyone that it was for martial arts. I had a collection of my sister's clothes that she had thrown away that I would wear at night while the family slept. I did this most of my life, I don't know exactly where it started but I distinctly recall memories from when I was five and six years old being jealous of my sister. At seven I would sneak into her room and try on her dresses, at eight I wanted long hair and a ponytail, but even in the 70's it wasn't allowed for me. For most of my life I had to hide my true self and live only at night, and I would sleep through school. But whatever I did had to come off by morning or have a good explanation for it. This is how I survived all my life, and my nocturnal tendencies have never really worn off now that I no longer have to live that life.
I've lived my entire life in two separate worlds
Fast forward to age 21, I had been out of school since I was 16, and got a job doing carpentry. I framed houses for many years. Construction is not a place to show weakness or effeminacy of any kind, so I lived a very convincing life in front of everyone. Plus my family was Pentecostal, religious to the bone, to say my life was no place for a feminine nature is beyond an understatement. I thought I would die if I were ever caught, this is Alabama, the Bible Belt South, so that wasn't even an option to imagine or dream about.
Then I met her. The 18-year-old girl who would take my heart that very moment I met her. Not saw her, met her. To be honest when I first saw her she had really long hair and I was concerned that she might be really really Pentecostal lol. We were at a church function being set up by my cousin when we met. But then we talked, and we talked, and we talked. We talked until they dragged us apart, then we talked on the phone every day for hours. There was no doubt in my mind that I was in love with her.
We married in five months, everyone thought she was pregnant but we knew she wasn't. We didn't have our first child for two years, then another two years after that we had a second child, and a year later came the third. We were married for 23 years, I thought they were incredibly wonderful years. But I guess she didn't feel quite like that, she discovered some of my secrets early, like my shaving, but I had my excuses. I think she knew about my nocturnal drag but probably didn't want to say anything to make it real.
But as the years passed it got harder and harder to deny my feelings. I began to dress more openly and I also began to step away and look for men to have sex with for a few reasons. First and foremost I needed the affirmation of being a woman, at least for the moment, and by then our relationship was strained. Then I contracted the disease that would change my life forever.
I was lying in the hospital dying, no one knew why. They tested me for everything under the sun before they finally tested me for HIV. To be honest it was the farthest thing from my mind that I could have HIV, I don't know why, I guess I had too much else on my mind to take in at the time. But when they gave me my diagnosis, I wasn't surprised.
I thought I would die if I were ever caught, this is Alabama, the Bible Belt South, so that wasn't even an option to imagine or dream about.
It's difficult to explain all the feelings I felt and thoughts that I had. It hit like a ton of bricks in a tornado, I was devastated and yet somehow relieved. I thought now the secrets would be over and I could be honest about who I was, but it didn't work out that way. The fact was, I never loved anyone but her. She was my best friend, my heart and soul, I could talk to her about anything... almost.
She stayed by my side for another 16 years. I quit having sex with men during most of that time, until the end. I finally came out of the closet on Halloween 2014, to all my friends and family and anyone else. I started therapy and then hormones in 2015, and in 2016 I met a guy that... affirmed me. That was all it took. When my wife found out about him it was all she could take after years of secrecy and effeminacy from her husband.
The thing is, I was still absolutely in love with her and only her. I never felt anything for anyone else, but the need to explore my bisexual urges was overwhelming. As much as I loved her, I knew that I would never get from her what I really needed, affirmation, but the idea of losing her was more than I could handle.
In 2017 it finally happened; she served me with divorce papers. I didn't contest and it was finalized as fast as we married. I searched frantically for someone else to distract me from what I was going through. I started seeing someone before she moved out of the house. I know she thought I was awful for it, but I really feel like had I not done that, I wouldn't be here today. I know I wouldn't. I don't think I would've survived the divorce without someone else to distract me. I feel awful for dating someone as a distraction. I wasn't really able to love them because I never got over her. They deserved better.
My ex-wife and I didn't speak for two years but then one day she called me and asked if I could keep her dog for her. We soon became friends again. She chose to leave the house and land to me when we divorced. Everyone tried to get her to sell it out from under me but she refused. She had been renting from the man she was dating when their relationship soured. That's why she needed me to take care of her dog, which was our dog from our marriage. We owned land together, both of our names are on the deed, so I implored her to try to get a trailer and move out here with me, but she wasn't able for a while.
She was my best friend, my heart and soul, I could talk to her about anything... almost.
Then Covid killed her parents. When her father died she was able to get a trailer, and I built her porch and ramp for her mom who was now wheelchair bound, but two weeks before time to move into her new house, her mom died too. That was five years ago I believe.
Now we're best friends again, but I still secretly love her more than I can imagine. She'll never know. She doesn't affirm my feelings about being a woman, nor does she feel the same way about me, but she tries to be respectful. Usually that means saying nothing about certain triggers, like deadnaming me, but she won't change my pronouns. It's so wonderful to have her back in my life again, but it can be a double-edged sword. Keeps me from being lonely, but then again it's also my personal hell, to be so in love with someone who will never love you back again. Friends is the best we can do. And to be with family who will never affirm me, like I said, it's a double-edged sword and that fucker is sharp as hell.
So this is my story, it is what it is. I've got nothing to teach except to be honest with yourself and everyone else about who you are from as young an age as possible. I lived in secrets and lies for far too long and it caused heartbreak for everyone. I can't say I should've never married and had children, I wouldn't trade any of them for all the world, but the destruction of our family and marriage is almost too much to bear. But this is the world I live in. I don't have to ask, I know I'm a horrible person, but none of it would have ever happened if society could just accept trans identities. But like I said, I wouldn't change anything. Like Garth says, I could have missed the pain, but I would have missed a wonderful dance.
