The Hardest Decisions of My Life, PART TWO

The below is part two of a multi-part blog. Read part one.

**Content Warning** This piece contains graphic details about death (resources available at the bottom of this page) (resources available at the bottom of this page)

The Death of My Queen Mother

On December 31, 1999, the day before the beginning of the new millennium, I had been up all night getting high, and at 8:00 AM the telephone rang. It was Carlton's Aunt Evelyn Starnes who told me my mother was dead. I dropped the phone and started screaming hysterically. Carlton picked it up and asked what was going on. Evelyn told him that Fredia was dead, and he told her to stop playing. It couldn't be true. The last time I spoke to my mother, we had gotten into a big argument. I yelled at her and told her that I hated her and hung the phone up in her face. I didn't tell her I loved her and I thought I had killed her from a broken heart. Oh, how I wish I could change the past. I never would have said those hateful things to my mom. I had to get to her, so I asked the people staying with us, and they agreed to drive us to my mother's home. Snow covered the ground, and it was cold. When we arrived, the police and the coroner were already there. They told Carlton that her body had already started to decay. Carlton tried to keep me from going in, but I'm the kind of person who, if I don't see it, I won't believe it. I had to go in to see for myself. She was lying there with her arms folded across her chest and holding a book that she had been reading titled "Power in the Everlasting," a guide to being ready to die when the time comes. She had been dead about three days, and she was already turning black, blue, and purple. The smell was horrendous. Sometimes I wish I had never gone in, but that's my nature. The last thing she did before she died was to give her neighbor the key to her apartment and tell her she was going away. She must have known she was going to die. Her neighbor didn't think anything of it at the time, but after not seeing my mom for quite a while, she decided to check on her. That's when she discovered the body. How horrible.

1999 proved to be a year of tragedies. I had started using crack, lost custody of my daughter, and worst of all, my mother passed away. I didn't know if I was going to make it. I just wanted to die. My life was falling apart, and I became deeply depressed. Unfortunately, I soon found out my bad times were not over yet. My mother didn't have any burial insurance, and I didn't know where I would get the money for her funeral. I had money that I could not touch because it was in a trust fund for my daughter.

I set up an appointment with Social Services. They help families who don't have enough money to bury a loved one. That same day, I had been told to come in for a drug screening with DCS. Because I didn't have transportation of my own and I could not make both appointments, I had to choose. My mom had already been dead for two weeks, and her body was still at the city morgue. I needed to bury her, so that's the appointment I would make. She needed to be at rest.

Meanwhile, because I missed my appointment to get my drug screen, DCS went to court to have my visitation rights to see my daughter revoked. The court granted their request. Now I couldn't even see my daughter at the foster home because I had wanted my mother to be properly buried. The courts were really against me. I wish I had never gone through drug rehab. If I hadn't, maybe DCS would never have found out I was getting high. I was trying to get clean, but anyone who has had a drug problem knows how hard that can be, especially when the people around you are still getting high and saying things like, "You think you are better than anyone else now that you are clean." It was hard for me to stay clean, especially being around a drug as powerful as crack cocaine. We buried my mother at Boudreaux Cemetery, and my daughter's foster parents were kind enough to bring her to the funeral so we could say goodbye together. Not many people came to her service. It was only me, Carlton, my daughter, and her foster parents. I wrote a poem for my mother's service, which I called "A Mother's Love." On the tenth anniversary of her death, I wrote a Eulogy for a class project, and I have included both pieces as a tribute to my mother's life.

A Mother's Love

My mother's love will always shine,
So strong it will last until the end of time
My mother's love is unconditionally true
It will always be there to bring me through
Through all the heartaches, troubles, and pain,
You made me what I am today
Because of you, I can climb any mountain,
And weather any storm
I am "Who I Am" because of you
Your love alone brought me through
Through all the obstacles life has thrown my way
Because of you, I'm still here today
Even though you not here to see
You'll always be a special part of me
This is my tribute just for you
To let you know how much "I Love You."
I just thank God above
For giving me, my mother's love

Also, here is the Eulogy I wrote for her service on the tenth anniversary of her death.

This Is Not Goodbye, Just Until Next Time!

Fredia was born in Lafayette, Indiana. She had two older sisters, both of whom are here with us today. She was never a great student, as she dropped out in the 7th grade. But she was always wise when it came to life's situations. She would always read to me as a child, even into adulthood. "Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like a butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, and to be able to grow." This poem was one of my mother's favorite quotes by E. Kubler-Ross. She had such a positive and peaceful, spiritual aura radiating from her at all times. She was such a strong person whom I will truly miss.

Let me tell you a tad bit about my mother. She was one of the most kindhearted individuals ever put on this earth. She was the kind of person who would give you the clothes off her back, meaning she would go out of her way to help a person. She taught me that it was better to give than to receive. Mom always said, "To give to others is a greater gift than to receive. There is a special joy in giving." But oh, was she a packrat! She hated to throw anything away. She would always say, "This might come in handy one day." And store it among the piles of clutter she had accumulated through the years. Mom taught me how to appreciate the little things in life. Like the birds chirping or the flowers blooming. She always says, "Stop and smell the roses." I come to realize she meant to slow down and appreciate life as it is given to you. Mom loved the things that many of us take for granted. With this, I love everyone. This is a quality to be rewarded in a way that one could only imagine.

But most importantly, she loved me. After my father was killed when I was seven, it was just my mom and her baby girl. Even then, she showed so much courage and strength. I can remember a time when my daughter was in the hospital, not knowing if she was going to live or die. It was my mom who gave me strength and comfort. She would hold me in her arms, stroking my hair and singing to me. Assuring me that my daughter was going to be all right, it was almost magical. I know if it had not been for mom, I would have gone crazy with worry. But because of her strength, I was able to make it through. This just showed her unconditional love for me. Mom loved animals. As a child, I remember that anytime someone would find a stray or wounded animal, they would bring it to my mom to take care of it. She always dreamed that she would win a million dollars one day, and I could buy her a mansion and have a farm. I believe now she has that mansion and farm in heaven. She was a great mother and did her best to raise me alone. I just want to tell her she did a great job, and I thank her for loving me and doing the best she could.

It is very heart-warming knowing how many lives she touched throughout her years. I will always be grateful for mom's love, friendship, and guidance.

Love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails. And these remain faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love. (Corinthians 1:13).

Thanks for everything, mom. You have made me a better person. You will be greatly missed, but your memories will shine for eternity. Your baby girl will love you forever.

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If you or someone you know would like resources or support in relation to the themes above, please see:

• Mental Health Resources
• Substance Use, Addiction, and HIV
• Trauma and HIV