Sometimes, I feel like I’m living a lie. I live my “picture-perfect” life with my house in the suburbs, husband, child and career. Meanwhile, I’m fighting an inner battle, an even bigger battle than most people will ever be a part of, I’m fighting HIV.
I sometimes feel guilt. I guess the guilt derives from not doing more for HIV, like educating or advocating. I pretend it doesn’t exist. I pretend that it’s not real. I pretend that I have this “picture-perfect” life. But at the end of the day, all I can think about is the HIV attacking my body.
It’s drilled into your head upon diagnosis not to disclose to anyone you don’t have to. But, why? Why should I feel such shame? I feel such humiliation and remorse, but I’m not exactly sure why. And furthermore, I’m not sure why I feel like I live two separate lives. My first step to combine my two lives….the AIDS Walk. I signed up to volunteer for the local AIDS Walk. Thankfully, my sister will be there for support, because that will be a very difficult day for me. But I think it’s a big step in an even bigger direction.