My Mother's Day Dilemma

Submitted on May 15, 2024 by  KatieAdsila

Mother's Day is never easy for me, because I don't have a relationship with my mother. She's not deceased, I just don't have a relationship with her, never really have to be honest. The reasons why are many and the story is long and complicated, but I'll try to share what I can.

I was basically born to two people who should have never had kids. They were children themselves who were totally unprepared mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. My father was about to turn 18 and found alcohol to make his life easier to tolerate, and my mother was just 15, dying to get out of home when I was born. Both were selfish, immature kids growing up with a baby.

But I loved my parents, especially my father. I don't really know why, he didn't really give me much attention that I remember, I guess that's just how a lot of people are, aren't they? Boys are usually momma's boys and girls are usually daddy's girls, and I loved my daddy to no end. I loved my mom and I wanted to be like her. I would watch her cook and help clean. We were much closer before the divorce. That's where our relationship was first damaged. It wasn't just that she left my daddy and wouldn't let him come home, it was how she responded to me when I would ask her questions. She would hatefully tell me to stop asking her questions instead of gently explaining to a seven-year-old why daddy was never coming home again. It was the beginning of the distance between us.

Not really having a mother has always had me looking for mother figures in my life, but choosing a mother figure has always been difficult too.

The rest of my childhood would endure several abusive stepfathers and constantly moving around because my mother was a gypsy who ran from her problems, never mind my own inner struggles trying to figure out who I was. When I was nine, I wanted to ask her if I could paint my nails, but I was afraid of the consequences if I did; I was afraid that she would disown me. I didn't trust her, my own mother, with my true feelings. Don't get me wrong, she did her “job” as a mother. She fed us, made sure we had shelter and went to school, she just wasn't very affectionate at all, she always seemed to be more concerned about her men than her own kids, so I never felt close to her.

When I was fourteen my mom found my secret stash of clothes under my bed - hers and my sister's clothes that I had stolen, and when I say she flipped out, it's an understatement I assure you. Her arms were swinging wildly at me as she screamed and yelled obscenities, then my stepdad jumped on me and started punching me. I don't know how I got out of it, but I got up and ran out the door and didn't come back. I knew I could never trust her with any of my secrets. So I really felt motherless. She even put me and my sister in foster homes or court run programs for being too unruly and rebellious (or in reality, just couldn't get along with the stepfather). My childhood was tumultuous, but it was over with my mother by the time I turned fifteen. I ran away for the final time and lived with my great grandmother until the day I married.

There's so much more to unpack about my childhood than this blog can cover, but I'll move on.

As an adult I have tried to develop a relationship with my mom, but she's kind of like a dog that bites, you can pet her and think everything is fine and then she bites your hand off. And mom is a Jehovah's Witness and doesn't celebrate any holidays or any days anymore, so when she converted she threw away all of our childhood Christmas ornaments and stockings. The only good memories I had from my childhood were in those decorations and though I begged her to not trash them but give them to me, she threw them away anyway. She's always been about what's more important for her. So building a relationship has always been difficult when I've never been able to trust her with my truth, or my feelings.

My mother has never had anything to do with my three children. They're all grown now and barely know their grandmother, and that's been the hardest thing of all to forgive. In fact, it seems the easiest way for me to forgive is with distance, and I guess my kids picked that up from me.

Not really having a mother has always had me looking for mother figures in my life, but choosing a mother figure has always been difficult too. When you've never been able to trust your own mother, how do you really trust anyone else? And many mother figures have come and gone in and out of my life. Right now I don't really have any, except for my Momma Dread, Antionettea Etienne. I adore her. I have many sisters and I'm grateful for them all, but not many mother figures.

So that's the short version of why Mother's Day is so difficult for me. My mother is totally absent from my life and I don't even feel like I can call her because the distance between us is so great that even a phone call can't bridge the divide. Like I said, there's a lot more to it but in short, I don't have a relationship with my mother like most everyone else does, and that absence is a huge void in your heart and soul. It hurts to not have a relationship with your own mother. So if you're a mother and you ever see me passing by, please stop me and give me a mom hug. I'll appreciate you.



Blogger, KatieAdsila, and logo for A Girl Like Me.

Submitted by Kat

I can relate to some of your history. I cut my mom out off my life 8 y ago. Best thing for me, shes very toxic, always complaining. Never ever says anything nice about my dad, you would think he is the devil, maybe he is to her, but I have my own relationship with him or had, he is dead. She could not accept that. Its hard not having a mom who supports you and loves you unconditionally, but the price became too high. It was always about her too, She has unresolved traumas, but that is not my responsibility thats hers. I take care of my own scars , so  I dont hurt innocent people. Hurt people hurt people, I needed to break that cycle. 

Submitted by Red40something

Dearest Katie. Your vulnerability in sharing is a light for those who may feel alone. Sending you mom hugs, grandmother hugs (my grandbaby is 12) and sister hugs. My relationship with my mom was difficult as well, and we share several parallels, but my mother was never abusive, so my heart goes out to you. Her passing has made me think about so many things and emotions and walls and barriers and the list goes on...I say that to say, I believe the trust bonds with our parents are the basis for most of our other relationships, and working through the feelings about those bonds is critical to how we relate to others. Reading your blog made me take a moment to reflect on that again, and I appreciate the pause. I want you to know that I think you are amazing! Thanks for showing up for us, and for yourself through sharing.

Submitted by Marig2016

Katie girl thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable. It’s crazy how people can have something and not cherish it, and there’s others who wish they had it. 

my mother and I are “close” in the physical sense and she’s my business partner but how crazy is it to say that I don’t have that emotional connection with her. I love her but I too don’t share private things with her and I’m not sure why. I’m sure something from my childhood is behind it but all that to say thank you for opening my eyes on an area that I too could work on with my mom. 

my business coach also deals with inner child trauma and in this situation I feel like he’s probably say your parents haven’t don’t this before, they were kids themselves and maybe just maybe they showed you what they got when they were young. It’s never an excuse and it sucks, whatever the reason I’m so sorry. Please know that today you are so very loved and glad that you have someone like Momma Dread to turn to. 💖💖 love you sis 

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