My Rock Gods Are Old Now

Submitted on May 28, 2024 by  KatieAdsila

I've been noticing for some time now how all of my rock gods are getting noticeably older. The Rolling Stones and the surviving Beatles are in their 80s, Kiss and Queen are in their 70s now, Mötley Crüe, Metallica and Bon Jovi are in their 60s, and even Dave Grohl of Nirvana is in his mid 50s now. It seems so weird. It seems like only yesterday that I clearly remember them in their youth and glory, as was I, and now I'm being faced with the reality of my own mortality. I'm turning completely gray and have to color my hair to hide it. I'm getting wrinkles, thin skin, and other signs of aging. As much as I'd like to, there's no more denying the inevitable.

My grandparents are all gone now and so is my father, only my mother remains and she's not in good health. As strange as it feels to me, I have come to the realization that I am now an elder, a matriarch of my family, closer to my end than my beginning, and that realization churns up all kinds of thoughts and feelings. It's not just my rock gods getting old.

One of the things I think about now is how to take better care of myself and live with comorbidities. As I age, things seem to be falling apart. I can't see without my glasses, I can't hear, smell or taste as well as I used to, my skin cuts and bruises easily and my memory is shot. I'm taking daily medication for things other than HIV and getting new comorbidities all the time. I know I can't reverse aging, I can only ride the train to its inevitable destination.

I know I'm not that old; I'm only 51. I'll be 52 in July, but still I can't help but start thinking about what my legacy will be. How will I be remembered when I'm gone? I've never really cared that much about what people think of me (though deep down I do), but this is important to me. I want to be remembered well for good reasons. But to some extent we have no control over the thoughts of others. I've always tried to be a good person, but it seems like most people don't like me very much. I've never been a very popular person. Even my own family found it easy to disown me when I came out as trans and most still won't talk to me to this day, including my brother and my son. My ex-wife and I are friends now but it seems like she has few good memories of our marriage. So my legacy with my family won't be remembered very fondly. That makes my work so much more important to me and my colleagues like my new family, because my work may be the only good footprint I leave on this earth, and my colleagues among the only ones to remember me fondly.

Another new concern is having to think about end of life issues like making a will, assigning a person to have power of attorney or whatever, and how do you want to be buried or cremated. Making funeral plans is extremely difficult but becoming more necessary as the years pass. I must admit that it's going to be hard to navigate. It's one thing to think about it, but to actually start making concrete plans and decisions is another thing altogether, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

But one thing is for sure, time keeps marching on and she's no one's friend in the end. She has an hourglass in one hand and a sickle in the other and she's ever heading towards you whether you're ready for her changes or not. But I'm a pessimist so I digress, lol.

Perhaps I should try to develop a sunnier version of my concept of time, maybe I'll think about it more when I get time.

 

Image

Blogger, KatieAdsila, and logo for A Girl Like Me.

Submitted by MariaHIVMejia
0

I am also 51 and feel many of the things you wrote... Thank you for being so transparent as always and making me feel like I am.not alone. I asked a friend that I had not spoke to since 2001 and innmt mind they were still around the same age “ how weird” I.asked him how old are you now? He said 60 and I almost fell out of my chair!! I also think about the after 55 places to live and.somehow I don't feel my age? Maybe I am in denial….. Then again my father passed at 88 and he refused to say he was old and he lived a long life. Love u 

Love and light 

Maria 

Submitted by Marig2016
0

Katie Girl!  Thank you for sharing. As you know i went through a difficult time last year with a sick loved on and many of these things were on my mind. Tomorrow is not promises, time is not our friend, as we age our bodies follow and there are just sooo many things. 

Mentioning legacy hit home for me - we can be good people and be remembered for that BUT what is our truly legacy, how does our name live on long after we are gone. It honestly why i strive so hard as an entrepreneur because I want to make great impact long after I am physically on this earth. 

 

One thing I will say I learned is that having a will and POA documentation is so very important, i've learned this the hard way because life has a way of creating the unexpected. so please consider getting these documents done sooner rather than later. <3 xoxo 

KatieAdsila 's recent blog posts

Image

Members of The Well Project community at USCHA 2022.

Become a Member

Join our community and become a member to find support and connect to other women living with HIV.

Join now >

banner

Do you get our newsletter?

¿Recibe nuestro boletín?

Sign up for our monthly Newsletter and get the latest info in your inbox.

Suscríbase a nuestro boletín mensual y reciba la información más reciente en su bandeja de entrada.

Browse Blogs by Theme

Recent Blog Posts

Our Bloggers