Other Fish

Disclosing my HIV status is usually one of the first things I do when I meet people.

I mean, it's not like, "Hey, my name is Ci Ci and I have HIV!"

Nah.

It's more like, if I begin to see that person being in my life (even a little), Imma let them in on that part.

And it's not because HIV defines who I am,

but it most definitely affects how I operate.

For instance, what if I get close to that person and the moment I tell them that I am HIV positive ... they leave?

Oooooouuu weeeeeee chile!!!

That hurts. 

Because then that would mean that HIV is the reason why this person doesn't want anything to do with me.

Then I would take myself back all those years and begin beating myself up again over some shit that I can't change.

Whew! 

It's too much.

So I tell them while I don't care about their departure.

Something like the drop/add period. It would be just a W and not a WF

Just a lil tactic of mine.

Y'all know I just be doing shit.

And sometimes it backfires.

Like this one time I met this dude.

He was cute,

had a lot of great qualities,

and could cook.

Cassava leaf soup and everything. 

I was impressed.

Like not only with the fact that he had his own and was holding it down,

but also by the way that he cared for his other family members.

We had so many things in common.

And you could tell there was a mutual attraction going on there.

So, I told him about the virus

.

.

.

and he said he was ok with it.

Well, kinda.

You know, he asked his questions and I answered them to the best of my ability.

I did my best to educate and refer to other sources.

I offered him to visit the doctor with me and everything.

I explained to him how I'm undetectable blah blah blah.

We continued to hang out.

No big deal.

But now, the hormones are doing something craaaazy!

Tip: Here is when we usually make the most disastrous choices.

Yup, cus then we did it. 

Of course, it was protected.

But it was at this point that it began to get weird.

We continued to talk.

We smashed a few more times.

But then he expressed his fear.

He told me that he could not do it anymore.

As in, he could not deal with me because of HIV. 

He was scared.

And I get it.

But that doesn't make it feel any better.

Was I supposed to thank him for at least trying? Was that supposed to make me feel a sense of comfort?

No lie, my feelings were hurt.

So close, yet so far from what I felt I needed at that time.

And yeah, I grinded myself up again for being HIV positive.

What not to do: Don't do this to yourself. It's like you are going backwards.

But that only lasted for a short while.

Cus guess what?

I realize that I am not going to be everyone's twist but there are too many people in this world for me to care that much about ONE of 'em.

You know?

+ Ci Ci +

This blog was originally posted on Healing is Voluntary

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