Output: Love

Heal,

they said.

It will make you feel better,

they lied.

Whew, chile!

I must say that my healing adventure has been quite a one.

I have talked to people from the past and addressed those times when I feel that they have wronged me.

I have accepted apologies

and cried.

And then cried some more.

Feeling better and better after each one of those healing sessions commence.

But when you do some dangerous shit like revisiting the past ...

... you give other people the chance to resurface those memories, too.

Or other ones that you both forgot were made.

Good and bad. 

Good is cool.

It's those bad ones that complicate things.

So now, here you are on your own healing journey and somebody wants to tell you that they have had to heal from some shit YOU done did.

Damn. 

You mean to tell me that I could have been the toxic person in someone's life?

It could happen.

It has happened to me.

Being the older sister and cousin I never realized how much the younger ones looked up to me.

I never realized that my actions would affect their lives in ANY way, especially not a traumatic one.

Well, I don't think anyone has ended up in therapy directly for the things that I have done or said

but I see it in their actions.

I can watch certain destructive behaviors of theirs and say to myself,

Yup! They got this dumb shit from me.

Which then translates into,

Dannnnnng, I messed up their whole life.

But that's not it.

Tip: Stay rational. Only take responsibility where it applies.

For me, I understand that I am still learning and growing.

I understand that the person that I am today does not represent the same person I was back then.

The person back then just may have been that toxic person to someone that I be trying to avoid for my own self today.

That does not feel good.

What not to do: Don't harp on it forever.

Acknowledge it. Rectify as best possible.

Heal.

To show and prove how apologetic I am today, I have become more aware of the interactions that I have with those around me.

I now understand that things DO come back around and have experienced the healing powers of love.

I have made a conscious decision to operate from this place of love as a standard.

❤

Since I love you, there are certain things I just won't do.

And when I say I love you, I mean it.

+ Ci Ci +

This blog was originally posted on Healing is Voluntary.

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Comments

Whew Chile!

Red40something's picture

This healing stuff is not easy. Its  a sign of growth to recognize where ou are wrong and fix and heal it. The part that gets me the most is learning to live with the apology you never got, and won't get. Ugh. You figure (incorrectly figure) that if you have the ability to say sorry, others do too. *side eye*

Let me go burn some sage and call it a day. 

like1

Wow

Nikki J's picture

Your writing is so amazing, I have been on this journey to operate out of love God's way. I have gotten such a deeper understanding and apart of that journey was the ability to acknowledge the things I took apart in. Looking at yourself can be hard, but then I remember to offer myself some of that love. It works! Healing is key and your writing is healing...

like1

Thank you

Uzima 6's picture

I heal on a daily basis .It help me forgive myself for catching this illness even with 30 years. But I wanted to also tell you am a big fan of your blog here and the blog site. I follow you and get them everytime you write. Am still trying to get the courage up to allow people to know me. But I also blog not as much. I just started dating again and it going well. But keep writing it help us heal to talk about our issues in life as they happen. Luv ya sista gurl...

like2

Yooooo

ci.ciiiiii's picture

Man. I am so so sorry I missed this comment. Thank you, thank you. 

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