My career: I discovered my positive status while I was at work, so everyone knows. By everyone, I mean the other two women in the office. I’m a bit scared to move onto another office environment where people don’t know my status. I’m concerned what they would think if they found out. Is it something I share at an interview, so the employer knows I will need to visit the doctor often, which requires me leaving work early on those days? Is it something I will be judges for? If I don’t disclose and then they find out, will they be mad and think I hid something? Will there be distrust?
My marriage: I’m the first to admit that my marriage isn’t the best. My husband and I have been through a lot in our four years of marriage. Each of us were diagnosed with HIV, I was diagnosed with cancer, I had a major career move, we had a child and we bought our first home. That’s a lot to take in and absorb. Financially, we are very different people and this among other things creates a divide. However, I fear leaving or even thinking about divorce. Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? Who is ever going to want a relationship with me after my diagnosis? Are there really other positive/single/straight guys near where I live?
My body: I hate my body. It’s fat, it’s ugly and now, I feel like it’s forever tainted with HIV and cancer. I suppose the one thing I can control is my weight. So this should definitely be the first step in improvements. However, I have had a weight issue my entire life and I often think I always will.
As you can see, I feel trapped. I need to escape, but I don’t know how. My only escape is at night, when I look at my sleeping child. He looks so beautiful and peaceful and I can’t help but feel empowered. I feel like I can accomplish anything when I look at him because I have to do it for him. Simply, he is what I live for.