I have not written or posted a blog for a while now. I have been struggling with lots of challenges that affect my mental health in many ways. Life just keeps throwing tantrums at me. When I think it is over or I am at the end of this challenge, yet another keeps punching me to the ground.
I've tried many times to find purpose. I keep silent for many years because I truly do not know what to do or how to express my feelings other than crying in my quiet moments. I keep telling myself to be strong and courageous for others, but I am broken and so is my life. I feel worthless and hopeless most of the time and my heart keeps leading me down to that path of self-destruction.
Talking with my psychologist and taking medication have really helped me pull through. I'm learning to be brave and not to just be a brave talker. I'm learning to act more and not just to dream. Each session I have with my psychologist has helped me improve and I am really working on my mind. And learning how to be more kind to myself. But the world is tainted and life is broken. This has muddied my view and hope for what the future holds.
I turned fifty last year and when I looked back to how life has beaten me several times, I felt like giving up and ending it.
I understand that I am hurt, but God provides me with HIS love and forgiveness. I am trying to accept the chaos in my life and looking for God in it, rather than avoiding or distracting from the chaos of life. I understand that as long as I live, life will keep throwing tantrums at me.
Meeting with different clients every day has also given me courage and strength to face my life challenges squarely and not with fear. But lately my fears and anxiety level have been so high that it cripples me, sometimes causing my mind and brain to freeze. Sometimes I just feel like staying indoors and don't want to see or communicate with the rest of the world.
But I'm learning to choose myself and lean on God, I'm moving my body, singing or dancing when words fail, and also allowing myself some rest without feeling guilt. Some days are light and others are heavy, but caring for my mental health is part of treatment, just like managing HIV medication.
Where I come from, once it has been said that you have mental health issues, people say you are crazy and need to be under lock and key; that is their understanding of someone dealing with mental health issues and because of this stigma, we do not talk about our challenges.
These days I choose to be kind to my mind, and I choose to remember that none of us are meant to do this alone.
Dear Bose,I remember meeting…
Dear Bose,
I remember meeting you in 2012 at the International AIDS Conference, and I thought you were amazing then. I still do. I love you.
Thank you for sharing this so openly and honestly. Your words are powerful because they name the pain, the stigma, the exhaustion, and the courage it takes to keep choosing yourself. Across the world, so many people are silently carrying the weight of mental health challenges, HIV stigma, cultural expectations, faith, family responsibilities, and the pressure to appear strong. Your willingness to speak from your own experience helps break that silence.
I am especially moved by how you describe learning to be kind to your mind. That is such a profound act of self-preservation and self-love. I am glad you are receiving support, and I appreciate the way you remind us that caring for our mental health is part of treatment and healing, just like managing HIV medication.
Your voice matters deeply. Your honesty will reach people in many places who may not yet have the words, safety, or support to speak about what they are going through. Please know that your life, your story, and your continued presence matter.
I am holding you in love, respect, and admiration. Please keep choosing yourself, keep resting when you need to, and keep being kind to your mind. The world needs you, and I am grateful to know you.
Vickie Lynn