**Content Warning** This piece discusses threats of sexual violence (resources available at the bottom of this page)
If you need help, call The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline in the US at 800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673). You can also find resources and get help online at RAINN (https://rainn.org).
Today, I am only a shadow of myself. I can no longer escape from this prison that I have created for myself. Sometimes I look at myself and wonder what went wrong, why everything in my life changed overnight. Was it the trauma of the deaths of my loved ones that pushed me to give up everything?
I ask myself these questions every day. I used to be happy, so optimistic about my life that when I set myself a goal, I achieved it. I had an online cultural media outlet where I reported on celebrity and cultural news in my country, and it was doing well because I had 24,000 subscribers. In fact, it still exists. I was invited to cover events in my country and had already made a name for myself. When I went to an event where I hadn't been invited, if a member saw me, they would give me a media badge straight away. I worked as a micro-influencer for multinational companies and was one of those people who was always called upon for online communication campaigns because I had a large audience. But then, overnight, I gave it all up. I haven't posted anything on my page for two years.
I must also say that the showbiz world is not a bed of roses. A friend of mine informed me that there were guys in the industry who wanted to hurt me. In a WhatsApp group, they were planning to rape me. Why? Because my work bothered them and they didn't like my spotlight. After hearing this, I got scared and stopped everything for a while. I think it was the worst decision of my life, because after that, nothing was the same. I wanted to start again with my page, but I couldn't do it anymore. And that same year, my mother's cousin, who was like a second mother to me, passed away. I didn't want to do anything anymore, so I put everything on hold.
I know that one day ... I will finally be able to take back control of my life. No matter how long it takes.
I even cut ties with the people I thought were my friends because when I needed them, they weren't there. Yet I was there for them in the good times and the bad times of their lives. I realised that the friendship was one-sided. You can imagine that during my silence on social media, there was so much false information about me... Some people made up a pregnancy story to explain my silence, and these false friends liked and commented on the posts of those concerned with laughing emojis. No one bothered to write to me to find out the reason. At least this period allowed me to see their true faces.
Today, it's difficult for me to return to social media because I don't have the same energy as before. Bear in mind that I'm a photographer and I cover events, but I'm afraid to publish my images on my photography page. However, my images are circulating online because I work with a well-known blogger in my country. When he publishes my images, internet users or other pages repost them and publish them on their social media accounts. It gets people talking. Those who threatened to hurt me also share my photos on their profiles, without knowing that I am the author. How ironic!
I am not yet mentally healed, but I know that one day, by the grace of God, everything will return to normal and I will finally be able to take back control of my life. No matter how long it takes.
If you or someone you know would like resources or support in relation to the themes above, please see:
