I had given up on being an advocate. I didn't want to travel. I didn't want to speak my truth to strangers. I didn't want to be involved with World AIDS Day 2015 or The National Week of Prayer for the Healing of AIDS. I wanted a normal life with balance.
wowreallytab's blog
HIV has opened me up to so many people, places, prejudices, and misconceptions while completely shutting me off from the rest of the world. HIV had me convinced that no one would love or care about me. I would always be stuck in poverty, lack, doubt and hatred. I was a victim of self-induced stigma.
I have written this over and over again. I was going to write about the things that disappointed me while at AIDSWATCH 2015 but I couldn't. I have no desire to put people on blast. It would not further the cause. What I did learn is that I need to do whatever I can to get the criminalization laws in Missouri changed. Just talking to the Staffers in the Senators' and Representatives' offices I learned a quick lesson on hope and reality. Hope says we can get HIV Criminalization laws repealed. Reality says we can get them amended. As long as there is a change for the better I am OK with that. I...
Jesus knows that I've gone through, made, and been forced to go through some changes. I don't mind change because life is full of them. It is overwhelming sometimes. The instability of life dictates most change.
So many things to think and say. So many triumphs, struggles, accomplishments, pain, acceptance & misconceptions. I have been in a room full of women with all these issues whether they be hetero, gay, trans, or questioning, we have the same issues.
As I toss and turn wondering what I am going to blog about speak up just resonates in my spirit. Nothing fancy or hard to remember. It’s an action statement. SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP SPEAK UP
I have fought tooth and nail with God over what HE wants from me. I keep saying I'm not worthy or deserving of the positions I'm placed in but it is truly HIS purpose and not mine. The truth is I'm scared. I'm afraid of what's to come. I've been lucky so far. No rejection, spiteful words from people who don't know me, no backlash for being HIV positive. I know we would all love to think people will just accept you and get over it. So knowing that, I'm being prepared for much more. Not just for rights of women, Christians, blacks, or those infected with HIV. Our calling is so much more. We are...
So much has been on my mind. I’m frustrated every time I turn around. I’m sick of the hurt and killings. I’m sick of listening to folks say I’m winning. I’m tired of babies being hurt and abused. I’m tired of the same crazy folks I see on the news. I’m tired of people walking around like Typhoid Mary not taking care of their health because they are in such a hurry. Not getting treatment. Not using protection. Not taking care of that pesky infection. Not being responsible or even dreaming that a future is possible. I cry as I write because of this poem I used to be the one singing this song. I...
Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of the photo shoot. I didn't really think I would get anything out of it. It would be more for the public than for me. I was so unbelievably wrong. The interview changed me in a way that I never expected. I had to be bluntly honest about my truth. I had to get over the embarrassment of not being able to do the shoot at my house because I had no electric or gas. I had to get over the fact that nothing in the house truly belonged to me. I had no identity there. I showed you my list for my house which was a secret. I had never said I wanted my own...
"I wish" those two words hold so much for me. I wish I could, I wish I was, I wish they would, I wish I hadn't. Sometimes I wish the last few years were just a dream. That the pain, hurt, abuse, loss, failure was just a part of a big elaborate dream. But I know it's not. I know that all the ups, downs, and turnarounds are a part of a divine plan. There have been plenty of days that I haven't wanted to be a voice, a face, an ear, or a part of this group that deals with HIV. I don't want to stand out in this world that can't deal with folks who are "different". A world where people hate you...