They say what does not kill you only makes you stronger. I thought about this phrase and realized that well since HIV has not killed me…I should start looking for strengths it has created within me. At first, I struggled a bit but once I got started, the list kept growing. I struggled because deep down I’m still bitter for having the virus, not just bitter, angry too. I know a lot of promiscuous people and somehow they have managed to stay HIV free, somehow they seem to have it all… but do they? Really? Going back to my list…
I have always known about God but never really knew him. The only time I spoke to him was when I was reciting a prayer I learned since I was three years old, the prayer I had no idea what it meant. HIV made God to be my best friend, it taught me to have meaningful conversations with him, it taught me to see myself as God sees me.
I learned to see death for what it really is, an end of a cycle and nothing to be feared. Before my diagnosis, I was terrified of death, I didn’t even want to think about it. All that changed 5 years after my diagnosis… I embraced death the same way I embrace life.
Speaking of life, HIV taught me how to live… ironic I know, the very thing that was meant to kill me taught me how to live and not just exist. The more I lived, the more I was happy and the more I was happy, the more I got healthier, the more I got healthier, the more I dreamed, the more I dreamt, the more I strived, and the more I strived, the more I achieved, and the more I achieved, the more I lived.
Most importantly I leaned how to love, to forgive, to be kind, to be patient, to be accepting. The list is so long but what I’m trying to say is dear Diva, look for the beautiful strength in you and celebrate it.
I want to thank you for you blogs, your e-mails, sms’s and crazy phone calls I have with some of you. I never feel very lonely because I have loving sisters all over the world, I’d like to mention you by names but ya’ll are too many.