Day 2 evening. I spent the day in bed, slept till 7 pm. I did some small tasks during day but not much. Kayley, it's all about the self care. At 10 pm I went to get a burger and fries, listen to the blues band; by 12 am I was back in bed…sleep, sleep, and more sleep.
Day 3 I feel pretty good. Coffee, then to check on my garden. I decided to grow my own veggies as my Aunt has the best gardens, and thought I would give it a shot.
Making my list for today. Room cleaned and garden tended to: I can do one more day; I just know it. Working on the list, conducted business calls. On call. I have a lot of things I need to consider, even a simple act of kindness; I seem to be able to get lost.
Kaley's out now doing errands as the minutes tick by. I have an illness that is definitely compromised by my choice of extracurricular activities. HIV replicates itself at 100 million copies per minute. Kaley's choice; just numbers multiply up 100.
I know this. I still play Russian roulette with my life.
I want to be the same girl when no one is looking. I fall short. The sweet love of the hustle. So day 3, clear mind basically. It would seem the best way to extract the real meat and potatoes is to follow my love: community service through education, peer mentorship, and support groups. Throw in some committee work, self-care, and do the infamous bad choices. I'm a busy, important and a destructive force. Where can I better implement this energy? Grassroots? movements? Health care? Webinars? Distribution of literature and condoms?
As I said, I used even when off my meds. Not a little, a lot. I kept my commitments and no one was the wiser.
Fool I say.
I am only hurting myself and giving very little to whom and what I love. This morning was great, afternoon is here. 1:37 pm to be exact. Had a quick lunch picking up beer and off to visit friends for bit. "Outta dodge", I say! This is good stuff. I do want to stay home, however my motives are not pure. So I go. News flash: Kayley left alone and will get into something—it's already been banging in this head of hers all day.
I say Kayley, "You and I can do this". When you weaken, I will stand up for us and be the voice of reason. Today I need to take and process just how little I consider about what's going on with us. The consequences can be devastating, or worse, I can become resistant or detectable. It's 4:02 pm. The earlier deal is moving forward, and Kayley and I have been in harmony all day. I swam laps instead of using. I should swim laps at the ocean instead of the pool--now that takes strength and endurance.