What I Was Searching For

Submitted on Nov 16, 2018 by  Angel S.

I realized as I saw my computer screen with my grandkids, I never saw any kid grow up. Not my child, not my family’s children. I guess having the experience of being a mom I felt as if I should have had the courage to nurture, to raise a child. I put too much on my own shoulders so I can never be satisfied with the outcome. I am more of a perfectionist than I knew. 

I always say no regrets yet I found one. I stopped living when my son died and I committed to myself I could never be a good parent. After all I choose to continue drugs instead of fighting my ass off against my mom who would not let me in my daughter’s life no matter how well I did. 

At a point here or there I was allowed to see her. Other than that, I showed up and watch from the back of the room hoping to not be seen. I hurt today over this same choice. I see so many woman fight for their babies, where was my chance? Why was I always told I would not be able to love her like the others could? Why all these questions have surfaced and I am  not blaming anyone except myself. 

Now as I am seen only as a drug addict with HIV. I watch again from a distance as my grandchildren are not allowed to know me either. Damn, seemed like forever when at 14 my girl finally came back into my life (gone since 5). 

This isn't a poor me story. It is a realization of what I have overcome, stuffed down and turned into self-loathing. Today I forgive all the things I did, she did, they did. I embrace I was able to be the best parent I could. I love her dearly and I understand my daughter suffers from her own hurts from this as I am sure it was not easy for my mom. 

I am happy to say they are inseparable, and I have a great, loving relationship with my mom. I understand my part over the years. This is not about the way things played out, but the goal of raising A HEALTHY CHILD WHICH WAS ACCOMPLISHED.

My daughter and I will always be us, <3 . She does love me, not my old lifestyle. I think she is the best thing since sliced bread.

This really helps me to start forgiving myself for choices. I emancipated myself at 14 and I been making my own rules for so long. I tend to make them where I can change the rules often. In the early days this may have served a purpose, but today its baggage I can let go of. 

I close just saying ...some of this revisiting my youth has really brought some serious closure to issues I never even knew bothered me. Working on my mental health is critical to my recovery and well being. When I get depressed, my health suffers; so today and everyday. I will feel. I will learn new things. I will stay willing and open to new suggestions. I will try to trust another human without reservation. I will be a productive and helpful community citizen. I will remember my value and Not compromise myself.

A sister in Solidarity

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