Feelings About COVID-19

Submitted on Apr 9, 2020 by  Escalice

I wanted to check in with everyone here with the current situation. We all have to self-isolate due to the COVID19 pandemic. This can be a really difficult time given the circumstances. Our daily routines have been dismantled; no work and no school. If you're following the advice of doctors all over the country and our government, then you're staying inside as much as possible to avoid getting the virus.

I live in New York City which is currently the country's hotspot. My fiancé was working up until about 2 weeks ago. We still go out to the supermarket for ourselves and his parents who live downstairs from us. I worry about him getting sick. Many years ago he had pneumonia. Both him and my daughter have horrible congestion, stuffy noses, coughs, and overall breathing issues whenever they get sick. We have his older parents we worry about. Life has shifted. My daughter's first year of school has been halted and I'm now teaching a 4 year old, trying to make sure she is learning enough and doesn't fall behind for kindergarten in the fall. She can't see her teachers or her friends. We can't take a walk to the park. I can't take her out on adventures like we always do and for who knows how long. I'm worried about myself as well.

I'm fortunate enough to very rarely get sick. I take good care of myself and I'm pretty healthy aside from my HIV status, but you never know what could happen. I've always been afraid of getting sick from something else because of my HIV. I've always been afraid that because of HIV, I'm more susceptible to illness. What I think is triggering for me with this whole situation is the terminology used when it comes to this virus. We hear words like "testing", "positive/negative", "infection", "transmit". I'm terrified of getting sick and dying. It's the same feeling I had when I was first diagnosed positive. The constant news coverage isn't helping either, especially when I see stories about people my age dying. I think of myself and of my fiancé. My mind goes to worst case scenarios; what are we supposed to do if something happens to him and he's gone? What are they going to do if something happens to me? I know it's ok to have these concerns but it's not ok to stay in it.

I allow myself to have those feelings because it's totally normal in this situation. I shut the news off. Usually I just listen to Gov. Cuomo's daily updates because he speaks about the facts and is to the point. I focus on the things that are in my control rather than what's not. I do everything to keep myself protected and safe so I can keep my family protected and safe. I'm following the advice and staying inside as much as possible. I still go for my runs once in a while and take my daughter in front of the house and the backyard to play. I take time for myself to workout. I'm taking this time to also be really thankful for the life I have; thankful for this extra quality time with my fiancé and our daughter, thankful for my home and having my in-laws close by, thankful I have food to eat, thankful for this time to just slow down a bit and just be.

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