**Content Warning** This piece discusses pregnancy loss.
"God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers"
Who told God I was that tough? I'm really not though. I've been through a lot of stuff in my life. A lot I have yet to share. Right now I'm going through one of the toughest battles I've endured. Just a few weeks after telling family, friends, and all my social media I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. One month ago, everything I imagined for my and my family's future was gone. It was one of the scariest and most painful things I've been through. Painful, physically and emotionally. I saw everything. I lost a lot of blood, to the point that now the thought of seeing blood can bring tears to my eyes. I'm thankful that my husband was there with me and helped me get through it.
For years I was adamant about not having any more children. It probably had a lot to do with my first pregnancy with my daughter being overshadowed by my diagnosis. Having a c-section was very scary for me, and honestly, I wasn't at the best hospital. Having to give my daughter medication every 6 hours for 6 weeks, taking her to get tested, not being able to breastfeed and dealing with being newly diagnosed, I think just made me fear ever going through that again.
Over the summer my husband sort of brought up the idea of having another baby, admitting he always wanted another. Honestly, for the last year or so I've thought about it too. Mostly with the pandemic and our daughter being an only child, I felt bad that she was alone so much. No kids to play with. Just us and her. She herself has asked for years for a sibling. So we decided to go for it and to our surprise it didn't take long for me to get pregnant. Our daughter was elated, always kissing and talking to my belly, to her baby.
When I was 9 weeks pregnant I went to the ER for bleeding. They said I had a subchorionic hematoma. No strenuous activity, no heavy lifting, no exercise. I could only walk. And for two weeks that's all I did and I was feeling good. Then at 11 weeks I miscarried. Everyone says it's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it, but it doesn't feel that way. I feel responsible. I felt horrible having to tell my daughter who was so excited to be a big sister that there was no longer a baby in my tummy and trying to explain it in a way her almost 7 year old mind could understand.
Even though I was excited, I was scared too. Everything about this pregnancy was high risk. My HIV status, my age (will be 35 in October) and I found out from my first ultrasound, that I have a bicornuate uterus (something that I guess doctors missed with my first pregnancy) which means my uterus is basically separated in two parts by a membrane, which leaves me with a risk of miscarriage and the possibility of having multiple miscarriages.
We've talked about maybe trying again and I want to. I want another baby, but God I'm so scared. I'm scared of the risks, I'm scared of another miscarriage, I'm scared of another c-section. I'm just freaking terrified overall. And a fear I didn't have with my daughter since she was my first; the fear of something happening to me and leaving my daughter without a mom.
Right now my emotions are all over the place. I know friends and family mean well by checking in and asking how I am, but I don't know what to say. How am I? Not good. I'm sad, I'm heartbroken, and my anxiety is at an all time high. I feel guilty. I regret telling my daughter so early on and putting her through yet another tough life situation at her young age. I've cried every day since it happened and I dread every doctor's appointment I have to do. I don't want any more blood taken from me and I don't want any more doctors touching me.
I feel for any woman who has had to endure this kind of pain, and if it is something you are currently dealing with, I send you my prayers that you get through it as best as you can.
In weakness find strength
My dearest beloved sister,
First I am so sorry that you going through this and sorry for your loss.
I understand you well because I have experienced such.
No amount of words from anyone that will make it better.
You are the only one that can give yourself all the courage and strength you need at this moment, because if we allow Satan to always win this battle of the heart, spirit, soul and body, then we loss ourselves to mental health torture and many more.
Because this make him happy.
I am sorry sister, but you are stronger than you think, for fact that you can even share about this shows me how strange you are.
You need or permit me to say overcome the voice that keeps telling you, you will have another miscarriage, I was once there to after losing a 10 weeks and some days pregnancy after which came HIV, and it took 14 year to get pregnant again and I have two kids after my hiv diagnosis.
I wish, I am around just to give you a big hug and a part on your back, sister! You really got this!
I know it hard but please you are possible.
I have had two C sessions.
Do take it easy on yourself and always remember you are possible even with HIV positive status..... You are POSSIBLE!!!
BOSE love you and please I am here for you.
Do take good care of yourself and stay well and healthy.
Sorry for my long comments that might sound uncomfortable but I hope I am able to give you some courage.
Love you sister.
light and blessings
Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is never enough in these moments, yet it is often the only thing that we can think of. I will add that I respect you and am grateful for your choosing to share your loss, so that others don't feel quite so alone. I'm also holding a healing and comforting space in my heart for you. That doesn't make it better, but I hope it serves to let you know you are not alone and that I am pulling for you! Be well and be blessed.