These are my confessions...
Yeah, I'm singing it like Usher. I've questioned where I was going and wondered if I heard God right--or at all, for that matter. Wondered why HE wanted me to tell my testimony and why HE wanted me to share it with everybody because LORD knows imma keep-it-to-myself type of person. THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS... IT AIN'T ABOUT ME!!!! My struggles, my hurt, my feelings of inadequacy are so I can help someone who is walking through my past storm. I have to be completely and totally honest with others whether it makes me look good or bad. So I can tell them it is ok to be mad. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to hurt, but IT IS NOT OK TO STAY IN THE PLACE OF MADNESS, SADNESS, OR HURT!!!!! HIV/AIDS is a horrible disease. Not because of what it does to our bodies but because of what it does to our minds. Diagnosis makes us automatically start beating ourselves up on top of normal day-to-day troubles. It takes way too much time to rebuild and find ourselves. It is a daily struggle to get to the point that we realize the disease is just a small part of our total being. I went 3 years strong without missing meds or doctors appointments. I read peoples stories of being healed by God and I'm like, really Lord? What am I doing wrong? Why haven't you totally healed me? Why do I have to keep taking these meds? My mind is way more devious than the devil could ever be, but the devil knows how to cheer foolishness and mayhem on. So I stopped taking my meds. HUGE MISTAKE. With my foolishness and having issues with my insurance company, MY VIRAL LOAD WENT FROM UNDETECTABLE TO OVER 10,000. I wish i could say this was a few years ago, but this is in the last few months. LESSON: TAKE YOUR MEDS. THANKING GOD THAT HE TAKES CARE OF ME WHEN I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!! :-) On top of that, my worst struggle was telling everyone around me. I had this huge weight on me that no matter what I accomplished I still felt like a trillion pounds was on me. It took me from February 2008 til December 2012 to FREE MYSELF. I WAS A PRISONER LOCKED UP IN MY MIND. I HAD BEEN SET FREE SINCE I REDEDICATED MY LIFE TO CHRIST. THE DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN AND I DIDN'T KNOW IT. I'm still learning to forgive myself, be patient with God's plan and LOVING THE LIFE THAT I HAVE. Proverbs 3:12 MSG Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best...
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