Submitted on Jun 2, 2010 by  linda1st

I am chronically and totally exhausted most of the time.

I haven't had much to say lately, but you are all in my thoughts! I am just so tired. Depression is part of it. When I was younger, I had several jobs, and a pocket full of money. I love having a crush on a man, and money to spend. Now I have neither. The crush aspect seems futile and unproductive, since I can't proceed with my ultimate goal, INTIMACY!  Sure, I'd love a relationship... just to be touched, by someone else besides myself...would be wonderful. I have found myself squashing my libido, while others (according to ridiculous Pharmaceutical ads) seem to pay money to keep theirs or get it back. I wish I could share mine....ahhh, the loneliness. Something I have never been....lonely! (I never minded a ship in the night, thus, my HIV status).

I have found that all this sadness, stress of no money, and worry of how to pay the bills...wreaks havoc on our immune system. So as one of my posters had said...."emotions are as important as diet", YES...very true.

While I am not wallowing in pity or self loathing, I AM SAD. The flowers in my garden are a brief respite, the baby kittens I watch and laugh over give a moment of giggles, but without money to buy basic necessities I am a mess. The fact that I need a new roof (7 years ago), and now new towels, because I used all of the ones we had on the floor, from the leaky roof...is slowly killing me. So I sleep. I look for joyful things to do, I share with you, to feel needed and productive, but basically the sadness, and anger, and stress, ohhhh the stress!!! never subside for very long.

Eat to save your life, and be well. If life is beating you up...EAT EVEN MORE HEALTHY! and yes, I know it is expensive....I am feeding 3 grown kids besides myself. We have no refrigerator, because when the power was off for 5 months last year, the refrigerator never came back on. I don't care about that. I need a job, to pay the bills, and then buy a frig. The roof is ruining my house, and my house is paid off!

I see everything going on in the World, and I just try to put mine into perspective. I am OK. What's a little sadness; sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I get good news. If you're not having a struggle in life, then your probably dead! Love you all, Persevere! and EAT to be Well! Linda

Submitted by Barbara

Just wanted to say that I love you. I pray your strength. Keep trusting and believing. YOU will be victorious. Keep your head up.

Submitted by jae001

I know how hard and cruel life can be. Lost our home due to a flood & no INS to cover it. Renting for way too much! Now looks as if we will be without a roof over our head until we can find a new place. Kindness of friends is why we'll have a place to sleep until we do. We aren't destitute, we have jobs (thankfully so) but somtimes life happens... Keeping you in my thoughts

Submitted by Barbara

Unfortunate events happen to everyone at least one time in their lifetime, I had more than one to count, for example losing everything when hurricane Andrew passed in 1992 and fighting off all the cancerous cells I got on my cervix while pregnant with my last baby. There is always a light at the end of my path even if you can not clearly see it, but its there, this is what I tell myself sometimes. I tried to keep my hopes up by counting the blessings that I do have that may be many lacked. Friends are always proven like gold by testing their loyalty and intergrity when others truly are need. These friends that are sincerely there for us, are a few, so you're lucky you have one of the few. Best of wishes and prayers for you and your family, things will come around before you know it.

Submitted by linda1st

Thanks for the encouragement, and I am always telling myself, "it could be worse". But it really gets old saying that. I want it to be better. Nothing major, small improvements would be appreciated.

I think of ALL the people who have it much worse than I. I cry for the soldiers! I cry for the Mother's, Daughter's , and Wives.....the families that have lost their sons and daughters. The children that are father or motherless now.

I cry for the Haitians, the people losing their homes in this government melt down, when REALLY....they should be allowed to stay in their homes!!!!

I have all the pain of the World in my heart, But feeling another's pain, and feeling lucky your situation is better, doesn't feel so good.

My purpose here is to tell about Healthy Choices to stay off meds, or at least prolong the need for them, as long as possible. I am doing it, even though stress beats me down, daily.
I am human, not super human, and happiness was never a big part of my life....though I do love to laugh! I am one of the most positive -minded people I know. In the face of the devil, I offer flowers. When my ceiling leaks, I water the plants. When a storm rolls in, I look at my flowers growing...more ammunition to toss at the devil!

So really, I am OK! I am not a quitter, but I am not out looking for a lover either. My life is complicated now, and it's my own fault. I think accountability is a good thing. We are the Captains of our own ship, as long as Divine Intervention doesn't roll thru.....ie Hurricanes, Floods, Tsunamis, Volcanoes.....on & on. To all who have suffered massive tragedies, I do not like to take comfort in your loss. I am tired of the chaos we are subjected to, and my heart breaks for You....the tests are massive, and I hope YOU are able to endure. I wish I had a decent home, to open it up.....and help others. Which I did many times in my youth, to street transients, prostitutes, and battered women.

SO, EAT YOUR VEGGIES....lol, that's MY message. EAT to live. EAT to beat the Virus, and laugh in the face of sadness. My body is fighting the virus, and I am on no meds. There are many others too. But we are a silent minority seeking a voice. I am here to be a Voice. You don't have to follow a prescribed path with HIV, but YOU DO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF to make a new and different path of health. I hope for all, the Peace we need, to fight a peaceful battle, and not a WAR. Love Linda

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