I am chronically and totally exhausted most of the time. I haven't had much to say lately, but you are all in my thoughts! I am just so tired. Depression is part of it. When I was younger, I had several jobs, and a pocket full of money. I love having a crush on a man, and money to spend. Now I have neither. The crush aspect seems futile and unproductive, since I can't proceed with my ultimate goal, INTIMACY! Sure, I'd love a relationship... just to be touched, by someone else besides myself...would be wonderful. I have found myself squashing my libido, while others (according to ridiculous Pharmaceutical ads) seem to pay money to keep theirs or get it back. I wish I could share mine....ahhh, the loneliness. Something I have never been....lonely! (I never minded a ship in the night, thus, my HIV status). I have found that all this sadness, stress of no money, and worry of how to pay the bills...wreaks havoc on our immune system. So as one of my posters had said...."emotions are as important as diet", YES...very true. While I am not wallowing in pity or self loathing, I AM SAD. The flowers in my garden are a brief respite, the baby kittens I watch and laugh over give a moment of giggles, but without money to buy basic necessities I am a mess. The fact that I need a new roof (7 years ago), and now new towels, because I used all of the ones we had on the floor, from the leaky roof...is slowly killing me. So I sleep. I look for joyful things to do, I share with you, to feel needed and productive, but basically the sadness, and anger, and stress, ohhhh the stress!!! never subside for very long. Eat to save your life, and be well. If life is beating you up...EAT EVEN MORE HEALTHY! and yes, I know it is expensive....I am feeding 3 grown kids besides myself. We have no refrigerator, because when the power was off for 5 months last year, the refrigerator never came back on. I don't care about that. I need a job, to pay the bills, and then buy a frig. The roof is ruining my house, and my house is paid off! I see everything going on in the World, and I just try to put mine into perspective. I am OK. What's a little sadness; sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I get good news. If you're not having a struggle in life, then your probably dead! Love you all, Persevere! and EAT to be Well! Linda
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