Today I Cried

Today I cried. In unison with my newly born son and toddling daughter. I sat right there on the corner of the couch and I cried, weeped even- inconsolable, exhausted, unusually heavy. In between the weeps was a chant coming from my daughter's perfect mouth, the one that was made by my own body and has grown so much over the last 22 months, along with her blossoming vocabulary (I'm so proud of her vocabulary.)... "Mama, Mama, Mama!" I've always wanted that name and now it's mine. All mine.

These calls to attention made me weep harder, made her weep harder, made him weep harder. My mind is busy with thoughts of how I thought I might be as a mother of two and how I am consistently and repetitively falling short of my own expectations. I'm so tired. My boobs hurt, I smell of cheesy milk, my uterus is in a ball, I threw out my neck and can't turn my head, my house is a mess... and... I know... I'm so damn lucky (seriously, I know).

My mind is singing loudly now. "This should be the best time of your life." "Isn't this the best?!" "Why are you so negative?" "Just be happy!!" ....I'm busy collecting the comments I've received from the crowd and storing them in my internal bank. They don't serve me well, but they are resounding. I hear them over and over and remember (over and over) that I am less of a mother than I'd hoped to be. I don't even know where a pair of damn socks are for my daughter so we can go outside.

There are so many things I think I should be feeling right now, but above all I feel full of indescribable love. Secondly I feel tired and overwhelmed. Very tired. Very overwhelmed. A lot of love. I don't have any energy for anything else. (I found the socks and we're going outside now.)

Tags: 

like0

Comments

I can relate

KatieAdsila's picture

Thank you so much for sharing, I don't know your circumstances but you said two things I can definately relate to:1) I always felt like a horrible parent when my kids were little, but be encouraged, you can mess up a LOT, (and you will), but the most important thing they need is total love, as long as they know you love them no matter what they'll be ok. 2) I too feel so tired and overwhelmed, a lot lately, down to my soul tired. I try to take care of myself, rest, take time to myself when i can, cry when i need to, enjoy the things that make me happy, etc., and then will myself to keep going because I refuse to give up. It's important to write and release sometimes, or reach out, my sisters and my puppies keep me going a lot. I don't know what support system you have around you, but if you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to look me up, you're not alone sis

like0

Blog themes: 

admin's picture

Become a Member

Join our community and become a member to find support and connect to other women living with HIV.

Join now >

Do you get our newsletter?

admin's picture

Sign up for our monthly Newsletter and get the latest info in your inbox.

none_existing name

Mariatmejia's picture

Mariatmejia commented on COVID19 20/20

Wed, 10/21/2020 - 10:34am
Tue, 10/20/2020 - 7:12pm
Tue, 10/20/2020 - 7:06pm

Get basic information about a variety of approaches to treating the metabolic changes that may result from living with HIV or taking HIV drugs.

Lipodystrophy means abnormal fat changes. This article addresses treatments for fat loss, or lipoatrophy.

Get basic information about lipodystrophy: body shape changes, metabolic complications, and causes and treatment of fat loss and fat gain.

Browse Blogs by Theme