**Content Warning** This piece discusses pregnancy loss.
So, let me be honest. It's the new year right? And everyone is screaming "new opportunities, and growth". But as for me, I'm still at the stop sign. Sometimes I'm reversing but I'm not progressing. At least I don't feel like I am.
The past four months have been the hardest for me. I lost my grandfather after I found out I was expecting again. Then a month later, there's no baby in my tummy at all. November 10, 2022 I started to have cramps later that evening and light bleeding. I contacted my OBGYN the next day and was instructed to go to the hospital. By this time, the cramps are worse and the bleeding is heavier, as I'm sitting in the Emergency room. They run tests and do an ultrasound, and at the time, I was still pregnant. They were not sure why I was bleeding; the doctor said my body may be trying to miscarry. So the next day, I flew to Washington D.C. for a meeting, and yes, I was still bleeding the whole three days that I was there. I had a follow up with my OBGYN on Thursday after I came back from D.C. My husband was there with me. They did another ultrasound of course, but this time, there was nothing there - no embryo, no baby, just nothing.
For the first time, I experienced back-to-back major grief. I never lost anyone this close to me before. I never lost a child. And I know it's not my fault, but sitting there knowing and feeling my baby die inside, the feeling is unexplainable. Meanwhile I still have a two year old boy at home that needs my love, support, and attention. I feel so empty inside.
Grief is really something, I tell you!!! Like I said, I am being fully transparent. I have not publicly shared this story before now. For anyone reading this, it's okay if you're still at the stop sign right now. We're still trying to figure out how to put it in drive and go. But we will GO! We will PROGRESS! We will OVERCOME! At our own pace and at our own time.
Light and comfort
As strange as this is going to sound, I thank you for sharing your grief. I have been feeling like I am in pause mode since my mom passed. Empty in a lot of ways like you. These are two complete ends of the life spectrum, but I feel like the "life connection" means that are not that opposite in the grief. I hope that makes sense. Lots of light and comfort to you. I will tell you as I tell myself to take your time, cherish the connections you have here with you and lean on them for extra love. Sending comfort and healing vibes and a grateful hug your transparency.
Stuck in neutral
I can relate with feeling stuck, seems like every year around the holidays I’ve been stuck, in depression and anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, this year got pretty bad and more difficult to get my car back on track, I’m still working on it but I’m moving in the right direction, but it feels like I’m stuck in neutral sometimes, so I have to get out and push, taking deliberate steps if only baby steps to get out of the rut. That’s where I’m at. Thank you for sharing your transparency, I’m so sorry for your loss