I am TIRED

To read in Spanish, click here / Para leer en español, presione aquí

I am so tired of HIV and AIDS! I hate to play victim and have a pity party cause I know it could be worse, but every time someone I care about in the community dies either cause they are fuc&ing tired and killed themselves! Or stopped their meds cause they are fuc&ing tired! Or because their bodies couldn’t handle any more toxicity of the meds! Especially us long-term survivors! All my traumas with this bit$h of #aids haunt me! I feel I am going to be next! A lot has been going on and I just don’t talk about it "for now." I feel sad and depressed and angry and anxious and I want to break everything in my surroundings! I feel like going into a black hole and just staying there! I feel alone a lot, although I have some people around! Sometimes it’s my own blood that doesn’t even care if I am alive or dead! I hate to vent this negativity, but this is a reality of mine! I am real real angry and I hope I find a way to balance myself again. I have seen so much death and I am tired of living with this bit$h!! TIRED!!!!!! Until when do we have to endure? Is this what life is all about? Suffering and getting through it? I think I am not a bad person and I have a good heart, but I am a human being in pain and my soul feels tortured! I ask you all that care for me to pray, send love and light.

Today is not a good day and just because you see me in social media trying to be an example and give hope through my smile "that hides pain" many of the times, this is not my reality! I suffer and I feel a lot! I am an empath and if HIV was in a form of something I would literally kill it with my bare hands! I know I have a very huge volcano inside of me and I just hope my mind can withstand the future ahead. I am tired of seeing my friends and fellow advocates die. Last year 30 of my friends died! This year already 13 have passed! I am always scared and think I must be next!! Many of my long-term survivor friends are getting very ill and many have cancer and are dying.

#aidsisnotover #hiv #aids #thewellproject #mariamejia #iamtired

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Love and Light

Red40something's picture

I shall send you the prayers you need! I know that we all have days where enough is enogh and we are TIRED! The beauty I see in YOU is that you will get up tomorrow and try another day! I know you have it in you to continue to be an encourager and lighthouse for others who feel this way. On my worst days, when I am tired of meds, tired of being tired, tired of joint pain and stomach issues, I remind myself (chant and reassure myself) that I was given this mountain to prove it can be moved! As were you! Love and light. Be well. 

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My prayers are with you

Uzima 6's picture

It good to vent I understand were your at because I've been there myself. I just started taking care of myself four years ago . Been poz for 30 sat on the pity pot off and on for years. The in 2015 I got sick and tired of myself . I finally took charge of my life and started living. I have things I cannot control like death or my teen sin using drugs .The only person I can fix is me.
I pray for you we have those days where their bad but we can not stay down there to long. It can kill us if we allow it. So please keep on helping others by keeping it real . Give the bad days you can help other that are going through similar circumstances. As well as those good ones.
Today we make health choices to be there for others. Good , bad or indifferent. But once again my prayers are with you.

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Sending love and prayers to

Escalice's picture

Sending love and prayers to you. I am not a long term survivor, this March will be 5 years for me, but I definitely understand your pain and fear. Although I am strong and healthy now, I worry about the future. I've had many moments in the past where I go to my doctors appointments and fear I will be told something is wrong. I'm so sorry for all the loss you have had to endure. Keep them in your heart always and keep fighting. Take it day by day and lean out your community for support. It's ok to have these down moments, we don't have to be strong at all time. Just know you are not alone. Sending you all the love

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