I am so tired of HIV and AIDS! I hate to play victim and have a pity party cause I know it could be worse, but every time someone I care about in the community dies either cause they are fuc&ing tired and killed themselves! Or stopped their meds cause they are fuc&ing tired! Or because their bodies couldn’t handle any more toxicity of the meds! Especially us long-term survivors! All my traumas with this bit$h of #aids haunt me! I feel I am going to be next! A lot has been going on and I just don’t talk about it "for now." I feel sad and depressed and angry and anxious and I want to break everything in my surroundings! I feel like going into a black hole and just staying there! I feel alone a lot, although I have some people around! Sometimes it’s my own blood that doesn’t even care if I am alive or dead! I hate to vent this negativity, but this is a reality of mine! I am real real angry and I hope I find a way to balance myself again. I have seen so much death and I am tired of living with this bit$h!! TIRED!!!!!! Until when do we have to endure? Is this what life is all about? Suffering and getting through it? I think I am not a bad person and I have a good heart, but I am a human being in pain and my soul feels tortured! I ask you all that care for me to pray, send love and light.
Today is not a good day and just because you see me in social media trying to be an example and give hope through my smile "that hides pain" many of the times, this is not my reality! I suffer and I feel a lot! I am an empath and if HIV was in a form of something I would literally kill it with my bare hands! I know I have a very huge volcano inside of me and I just hope my mind can withstand the future ahead. I am tired of seeing my friends and fellow advocates die. Last year 30 of my friends died! This year already 13 have passed! I am always scared and think I must be next!! Many of my long-term survivor friends are getting very ill and many have cancer and are dying.
#aidsisnotover #hiv #aids #thewellproject #mariamejia #iamtired