Hello blog world, it's been a while. I've missed you guys. Sometimes I don't know the words to say so I don't write anything down. Sometimes I write things down but never finish. I think we all have those days. Lately I've been working on consistency. I start with one thing and once I've got it down, I add on another. It's been working out pretty well if I say so myself. Today I needed to get some feelings out. It's better than keeping them in I've learned.
I hate when something is going on with me and I don't know if it's normal and everyone deals with it, or do I have to consider that HIV may be the cause. The title of this blog stems from this battle of depression I've been fighting lately. It's worse because I thought I was over this whole depression thing, but then it just sneaks up on you out of nowhere. I had my days before I was given the news of my status, though since that day, it's been a lot worse and more in depth. Sometimes I just feel like... is it worth the fight? It's a constant battle and gets hard and scary.
A few weeks ago my mother sent me a Tik Tok with a woman explaining how black girls/women tend to live with High Functioning Depression. We are so trained to keep things in; don't have everyone in your business. You're strong, you got this, but what if today I can't be strong? What if I don't got this? A lot of times we go off of the things people tell us and not what we feel.
So in my mind, I'm kind of just wondering, is it worth the fight in the long run? Does it ever get better?
I think the answers rely on what we want out of/from life. If you want to experience peace, you must first know that backsliding is normal and natural, but learning to get back to that peace will keep you.
For me, I have to ask, why I am here? For the longest it's been because of my girls and as time moves a long, I find myself realizing that only I can give myself peace. It comes from what I think about myself, the people I let in, the imagery I intake, etc..
Fighting depression is a journey, but know the difference in a moment and a theme!
You are not alone!
It's wild that so many of us are on the same wavelength. I just worte an article about this for my upcoming issue. I literally talked abouy high functioning depression, or persistant depressive disorder. HIV definitely plays a part in it, but the truth is, its hard being a black woman in this life. We are seen, but not SEEN....
I see you Queen. I support you and believe in you!