Day 3 evening. Left friends, and meeting with David for a small task I said I would help with. Deal was to get dropped off and ride extra bike back home, meet FBI guy, and head out for a bit. I arrived back at the house at designated time and no partner in crime there. Oh yeah, almost forgot, I am an addict. I cannot be human, be counted on, and remember, you didn’t quit last year… it takes time to get trust back. I am making serious changes in my day-to-day living. When you lose hope, I sometimes forget how much I matter to me; Kayley, my girl, we struggle and fight each other when we both want the same thing.
I am not the HIV/AIDS girls or the addict--I am a real caring, loving, smart woman with a lot to offer this community. Another day down. Next evening, FBI guy and I went to have some dinner. Same new friends around (non-using).
The crazy shit one person does to another. Fact is that hurt people, hurt people. For me, family is the worst. I have several friends from childhood who still keep in touch through FB, real visits, and letters. The addiction has been since 14, so if they see a reason to stay, I guess I need to open my damn eyes and see what I am missing.
Kayley works all night to keep her mind busy from using for even just this moment. Week is about over. I spent today riding my bike and helping some neighbors get some work done.
I watched South Park with a stranger who loves me. I left shortly after the episode to ride my bike and run to escape the insanity in my head. Using is not an option. All the eyes and heart see is part of the journey, what parts are revealed on the outside. I stand tall. I hold it together. I break. I use.
Kayley, she stands up so someone else may sit.
Embracing each other is hard enough; yet to see those flaws as your own special gift or purpose. All things can be used for an intentional good or evil. Life is about living, not existing. Pain is the passage to healing. I know me and my capabilities. I had given up on me I was so overwhelmed with the Manatee Cops issue, the stolen personal items and car, the pain put on me daily from others for being a PLWHIV, not to mention my skin is so painful due to the Lupus. I had my health coverage stopped for months due to the change in presidency and I was so scared what would happen. I ran right back to excuses that are no longer working or benefiting myself or my loved ones.
I have good and bad days. I have new acquaintances. I have HIV, I live each day blessed to be in care. With so much burden shifted at me to carry the crimes of HIV alone (according to the crazy people around my community), taking my medication is essential to healthy living and long life ahead of me.
The benefits of being in care. I get to enjoy life, I get to learn through education and build awareness of what happens to a person when HIV becomes part of your story. While Kayley and I self-medicate to have some peace of mind, leaving that behind us for it no longer serves us any good. T is real. He is being awesome. Went to the long term survivor event late, but it was all I had in me to get there and support my girls and guys. LWHIV and dealing with addiction sucks. It is however possible to get help and get out of the hell self inflicted for being different.
Kayley and I have a chance. I am a rock and my support system is my Island. Thanks for hearing me. I am crawling, Kaley is breathing for the joy of life is in the suffering and breakouts. I call this life and I am going to live it.
Tell me that I matter... Let yourself be vulnerable with me. Don’t just calculate the risk of your needs and my compromised self-esteem with each move you save or bait me to here or there. No more! Not sure what day I started this. I know I have not had to run from me or Kayley, so I am finding new options and ways to deal with the powerful urge to use to calm the voices.
Addiction is real and HIV together is very serious. If you or a loved one is in a situation like this please find a person you can trust to help you sooner than later. Sisters in solidarity. Stay Beautiful. You are worth it!!!