One Hell of a Week

Have you ever been so depressed that you couldn't breathe? Like an elephant on your chest in a sauna? I just experienced that feeling this weekend, and I barely survived it honestly. It all started about 3-4 weeks ago when my insurance was stopped all of a sudden and I could no longer get my meds, any of them. My clinic was able to supply me with my HIV meds, and I had a small supply of hormones, but my depression meds were just stopped completely. Now I had been for some time considering coming off my meds. I've been taking them for many years and I wanted to see how I could do without them now - perhaps things were better and maybe I didn't need them. I've also been having trouble with my memory for a while and I wanted to see what side effects from the depression medicine might clear up, I wanted to see if my memory improved. And for the first two weeks I felt fine, but then last Friday one of my dogs got out of the fence and disappeared. I haven't been able to find her and I hit an emotional moment that honestly nearly killed me. My dogs are my whole world, my children, my babies, and now I don't know the fate of one of them. It's been killing me.

If you're struggling with something heavy, too heavy to bear, please reach out in some form. Don't hesitate or feel like a drama queen to ask for help. You are loved and appreciated and you are not alone.

I wish I could tell you that I found her, but I haven't, and I'm beginning to accept the fact that I'm never going to see her again, and that's so hard to live with. It's like giving up hope on finding one of your children. I just can't accept it but there's nothing I can do. Neighbors aren't helping and police obviously can't be called; they don't care about dogs. It's just something I'm going to have to accept whether I like it or not.

I finally got my insurance straightened out and I'm back on my depression meds as of yesterday. It'll take a little bit to get back in my system but I'm feeling better. It doesn't bring my baby back, but at least I'm back on my medications. I've learned through this experience that some people just can't live without medication and I'm one of them. I can't go without my medication anymore, and I desperately need to get back into therapy too... next steps...

Lately I've been finding comfort in poetry, both reading and writing it. I've been buying poetry books and I'm also writing one of my own. I've written a lot of poems in the past two months and I decided to try to publish them. I've sent my manuscript, all my poems, to a publisher and they're currently working on it. I'm honestly really excited about this project. I'll let you know when it's finished and ready for purchase. I'm not looking to make any kind of big money off of it, truthfully. I just want something to leave behind, I want to leave a footprint on the world that can be helpful and meaningful for others, and as I've been told, HIV is a subject that most poets don't cover, so perhaps this will be a unique book for people living with HIV. But I want it to reach more than just the HIV community. I have random poems about many subjects that have nothing to do with HIV. I'm hoping to show that people living with HIV have full lives outside of the disease. Sure I think about HIV, especially as an advocate in this field, but my life encompasses so much more than HIV. All of ours do. My daily life consists of many thoughts and honestly HIV is among the least things I think about. I think about it enough to take my meds every day and I work in the field, but that's really the only reason I think about it.

Sure I think about HIV, especially as an advocate in this field, but my life encompasses so much more than HIV. All of ours do.

So this has been a hell of a week for me, with exciting highs and incredibly deep lows, an emotional roller coaster that I almost didn't survive. But don't worry, I'm doing better now. I had incredible responses from family and friends that really lifted my spirits. If you're struggling with something heavy, too heavy to bear, please reach out in some form. Don't hesitate or feel like a drama queen to ask for help. You are loved and appreciated and you are not alone.

I would just like to remind you of some resources for you if you need help. Of course you can always reach out here at The Well Project and we'll have your back, but if and when you need immediate help, please call one of the following numbers:

988 - text or call

911 - for emergency assistance

1-800-273-8255 - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - veterans press 1

Text TALK to 741741 to text with a trained counselor from the Crisis Text Line 24/7

The Trevor Project lifeline - 1-866-488-7386
Trevor Text - text TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200

Trans Lifeline - 1-877-565-8860

SAGE LGBT Elder Hotline - 1-888-234-SAGE

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