You know life can be so heart-wrenching difficult. In my most recent days I've had to look at life from a new lens. Since experiencing the heart attack, I no longer have the same capacity to do as much as I used to and it's been so hard to accept. I just didn't realize that I used my heart for so much. The experiences of putting forth effort in anything, you know, simply trying... takes heart. I can feel sharp burning pains in and around my heart even as I type this. I'm slick behind on a few projects but I'm determined to get them done. When I ask my heart, it says it's worth it.
Lately it's been really hard to simply show up even though they say it's 90% of success - but it takes a lot of heart to simply show up. After experiencing several deaths back to back from suicide to COVID-19 to AIDS, I've been somewhat in a fog. Each of the women who passed were special to me but processing their deaths was hard. The last one was the hardest; nevertheless, I tried to just keep showing up. Pieces of sadness where my eyes well up with no explanation keeps happening. I cry for a spell and keep going. It's part of being human but it's also a part of aging. Death that is. The more people you know, the more deaths you'll experience along the way. I study how each of the women are being celebrated in their own ways. They were loved and will truly be missed in the physical but their essence remains steadfast. It's crazy how none of them were my blood relatives yet because their relatives understood my love for their loved one they saw it fit to include me in the celebration for all three women. That was more than an honor.
As I reflect on my own mortality, I question what my purpose is. I used to think it was to only stand in the gap and raise the quiet voices of people impacted by HIV/AIDS. Well, I see now that it's even bigger than that. The purpose and vision before used to scare me but this feels different. It makes me nervous but with so much certainty at the same time. You know it's not everyday that someone experiences a massive heart attack and lives to tell it. A spirit of strength and resilience is how it's been described to me. This has been the most traumatic experience I've had to overcome. I just know that it has to serve a purpose.
I started writing this blog with the intent to say how grateful I am for the beautiful people that God allows me to be a part of their lives on borrowed time. It's an amazing gift. There are so many beautiful people in the world. I'm so thankful to be a reflection of which I see. I'm just trying to keep the momentum of finding the POSITIVE in everything.